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Showing posts from 2014

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Hey everyone. Just decided to write today since I'm already at the computer and there's not much more for me to do right now. I can't say that I'm in a bad mood, because that's really not how I feel at the moment. But rather than that I kinda feel indifferent. I feel indifferent about a lot, about life, about my health and definitely about my future. Success would be great, but I just have a hard time believing that it is in the future for me.

I've had a few bad days where I have made my husband and our roommate feel bad, sad, confused, upset or whatever. But the emotions I go through still feel to me as if they are not important, understood or even real to them. So, I just last through it and try to get back to "normal" as soon as possible so I am not bothering other folk as much.

I have stopped taking my meds for anxiety, and as of now I've stopped my HIV meds too. I'm due for an appt in January, and hopefully there will be new meds prescrib…

To feel ignored...

Every day, that's how I feel. When I have strong enough feelings about something to speak about it, I'm always just ignored or passed off as crazy and not worth listening to. My concerns don't matter to anyone else and they aren't respected as real or genuine. That makes me feel like shit. Days like this are when I have thoughts and feelings of killing myself, because that would at least free me from the pain I have to deal with on a constant basis. My personal life suffers because I'm crazy. I have no career or job because I'm crazy. My relationships are strained because I'm crazy and paranoid. So why am my cries for release always dismissed as nonsense? I mean, if I'm only alive because others want me to be, how does that help me? If my desire is to kill myself, why do I not have the freedom to do so? Why am I bound here on earth in torture because someone else's desire for be entertained by my failures and faults is more higher up in priority to …

Too much.

Everyone has been telling me that I need to write more, especially since my mind seems to be so flooded with thoughts and my spirit with emotions that I can't make sense of nor fully control. I've hesitated to put what I'm feeling into words, because in my mind there's nothing good about what I might have to say...about much of anything.

Maybe I should start with the good things. I love my husband. He's stuck with me through all of my bullshit, and let me tell you it's a lot of bullshit. A lot. Like... A LOT. I don't know how or why but he loves me. And I love him, too. I'm just so fucked up that I have a real hard time making sure I'm showing him the love and respect he deserves for all he does. Either way, I'm just happy I have my man by my side throughout whatever comes.

I love my family. Some of them have not really been as "there for me" as I'd like to imagine they should be, but then again I can't put my own expectations …

It's been a while...

I haven't taken the time to write lately, but that's not representative of all the things that have been going on in my life and in my head. From politics and current events that are on the minds of every Black person in America (or should be), to the personal things that we all experience as human beings, siblings, spouses and parents, I've had no lack of excitement, anxiety, tears, triumphs, obstacles and opportunities. Through all of that, I know that writing is a way for me to get some of those thoughts and feelings out of my head and my heart and onto "paper". And right now, there's enough locked up inside of my spirit that I could write a volume of encyclopedias on it. I wouldn't bore anyone with all of that at one time, but right now I guess I just want to express a few things that have been on my mind and spirit recently.

Starting on a good note... My husband and I celebrated one year of marriage and 6 years of love this ENTIRE month of October. O…

#WellnessWednesday

I've been feeling better lately and decided to try to formulate some kind of structure to my blog so that I can give myself a bit more versatility in the topics that I write about. Although, I like to write about the things I feel strongly about at the time, it often leaves my writing somewhat redundant (in my opinion), and some preparation would greatly help in me being a bit more creative. Ya think?

Anyway, if I start today, that would mean I need to find some catchy phrase that will give me a targeted topic for Wednesdays in general. What better than #WellnessWednesdays! Personally, it's something I've not been that involved in or excited about, but doing this will give me a chance to research about products, treatments, techniques, etc., that will help me and those who read my blog to make better choices when it comes to their wellness. Also, being HIV positive, I'm sure there are some things that I can find and share that can help those of who are positive to gain…

On Millie's Dresser

My mom sent me a letter...

From jail...
It’s been on my bedroom dresser for two days
Opened, but unread

Her inmate number is familiar

I’ve seen it on so many cards
On birthdays and Christmas
I looked forward to those!
But this one...
It’s been on my bedroom dresser for two days
I know that yellow legal paper
I know most of what’s written on it too
We’ve done this all my life
Unfortunately
I owe part of my ability to write well to her
My dad didn’t write us much
He called
And came by when he was out
But mom wrote
And wrote well
But right now I don’t want to read it
Because I’m not ready to go back there right now
I’m not in the space to deal with it right now
It’s been on my bedroom dresser for three days


I'm a Godfather!!! (AGAIN)

Introducing my little princess, Anjali. She is so beautiful!




A Weekend Renewal

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a "Transformation Retreat." It was a weekend getaway for persons infected with HIV, and part of a series of other retreats and programs by The Renewal Projects, an organization in Richmond, VA. The experience was amazing, unforgettable, life-changing, and any other word you could think of to describe a simply beautiful weekend. We didn't have a large group, which at first seemed to be a bit of a bummer. But, it turned out to be the thing that made the experience that much better for myself, and I hope for the rest of the people who attended.




There were no televisions or radios. Our rooms were simple. The only lights outside were those lining the sidewalk from the two cabins we stayed in down to the "Shalom House" where we had our group meetings and activities, as well as our meals. The food was great, too!

We practiced meditation and got to exercise every morning. There was a memorial service where we got …

Couldn't sleep, so I decided to write...

It's 3:42am and I can't sleep. Lately, I've been stressed more than usual about my life. At one point, I thought things were headed in the right direction, but that was quickly dashed when I lost the night time job that I'd gotten at a local call center.  But, just like anyone else in this life, I've got to brush myself off and get back on that horse.  But, I know that I need to work through my thoughts about this situation, and the best place for me to do is it here, where my thoughts and feelings get as much validity as I give them.

Well, training started two weeks ago, on a Tuesday. The day before we had orientation, and even that was a sign that things were not quite right with this job, but I ignored my instincts because I felt I had something to prove. Not to myself, but to certain people in my life that I believe don't think I am CAPABLE of keeping a job.  So, I started training and every day tried to find something positive to keep in my mind about the…

Venting...

I'm sitting here at the job I love, dreading going to the new one that I already have issues with.  I've already been called picky because I voiced how I feel about being exploited at this call center, and of course I've had to remove that person completely from my life.  I hate being labeled something by someone who has no point of reference what it's like to be me.  To call me picky is an insult, and it spits in the face of all the work I've done previously, all the education I got for myself, and everything that I've managed to push through in my life.

Right now I'm so pissed, not just at that person, but at the situation I find myself in, and most of all I'm disappointed at myself for not being perfect.  I know, people will tell me that perfection isn't something that people should ever aspire to because it's not realistic, but I beg to differ.  When I go out into the world, I feel like I'm expected to be perfect, and I know I simply ca…

Guess who opened the Grammy Awards...

I should be happy...

I should be ecstatic!  I'm finally done with the legal issues that have been plaguing me for the past year or so, and there's even a wonderful job opportunity on the horizon for me.  But, for some reason I'm not really feeling like I think I should. I think I should be happy. But, then again, I don't really know if I can trust my own judgment, since it's not been the best tool for me in my life up to this point.

I don't have the hope or the faith (at this moment) that I thought I'd have once all the things I was carrying around were lifted off of my shoulders.  But, I guess there's a lot more that I haven't paid attention to that's keeping me weighed down. I really don't even want to delve any deeper into my life or my mind anymore. I just want to live. If there was a way I could be hypnotized or made to forget everything bad that I have in my mind, I'd take that option without a second thought or hesitation.

I'm married, I have a …

Happy Founder's Day to the Lovely Ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc.

I don't even know what to call this

I sit down to write, and bullshit comes from the tips of my fingers through the keys.  Whatever I start to talk about slowly winds its way onto a tangent rant about some OTHER bullshit I've been holding in.  I've heard about writer's block, and whether or not this is it I am unsure.  But, I do know it makes it difficult to do anything relatively creative.

Speaking of creativity...my husband and I were looking at an app that tells you about the day you were born and a lot of in depth astrologically relevant personality descriptions.  It was dead-on about most of what it said about me.  I'm a Leo and every time I read about myself it says I'm a creative person.  I have never considered myself creative and when asking my husband if he thought I was I got one of those side eyes that lets you know the question is bordering on stupid.  He told me the things he found about me that he felt were very creative, and I did as I always do, try to smile and accept a compliment …