The Journal of an Angry Black Man

Anyone who knows me or follows my blog knows that I have dealt with depression and mood swings that are not always be easiest things to cope with throughout my adult life. Today, I'm at a place where I can genuinely and sincerely say that I have been feeling happy a lot recently. Not much has changed in my situation. I'm still living at home. I'm still unemployed and on disability. I'm still single and not in any type of serious intimate relationship (at least not anything exclusive). But for some reason, I've been feeling happy. I don't know what has changed in my mental state, or if I'm just allowing myself to let go of all the negative and be content with what I have right now, but whatever it is that has me feeling a little more upbeat I'm definitely here for it. I still spend a lot of time in my room, downloading "movies" and being on social media. Some might say that's unhealthy, but I get a lot of interaction from my friends and fa

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow. Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't

I'm sitting here in my bed, like I do every day, just thinking. Thinking about my life and how things have turned out. I beat myself up about things that I've done or opportunities that I've let slip though my fingers. I wish I had done things differently but I can't turn back time to go back and fix them. So where does that leave me? What can I do today to move forward? I fear that I'm falling into the same cracks that my parents did. I should have known better. I saw first hand what happened to them and I should have been smart enough not to go down the same path. But here I am, battling the same demons and trying day in and day out to keep my head above water. Sometimes I hate myself for not listening to the lessons I had as a kid. I regret starting bad habits and allowing them to affect my life in the way that they have. I wake up every day unmotivated and stuck. I see my friends going about their lives, working, loving their children, spending time with their

Early this morning I got a call from a random Richmond number. It woke me out of my sleep. I always get these vacation rental calls from 804 numbers so at first I didn't pay it any mind and just let it go to voicemail. But when they left a message and called back I thought I should answer it because there could be something wrong, especially at that time of the morning. When I answered there was a woman on the phone asking me if I owned a black and brown dog... Immediately my heart sank and I knew something had happened to Seti. She went on to tell me that she was out and witnessed him get hit by a car, and that he was scared and running back into the street and wanted to inform me that she'd found him. I asked her if he was okay because the only thing on my mind was that my dog was somehow injured or hurt, and that just messed me up. She said he was okay, that he was bleeding a little but otherwise was fine. I had to think quick because I couldn't do anything for him from

What kind of world do we live in? What kind of madness are we willing to continue accepting as a nation? It's crazy to watch these school shootings happen again and again and our leaders just sit by and do nothing to deal with the problem. Some people think it's a gun control issue. Others feel it's something that we need to address with more mental health focus. Either way, we really need to come together and have meaningful discussions about the horrible events that continue happening to our children while at school. When I was young, I never had to worry about being shot at school. School was always a safe place, where I felt encouraged and where I could enjoy spending time with  my friends and learning things that would help me later in life. I never had to worry about someone coming in with a weapon and harming me, my friends, or my teachers. What has changed? What has made people feel like schools are an easy target for mayhem and evil? It's really sad to think

Tuesday night I had a seizure. It was crazy! It scared the hell out of me. I've never had one before and it was just something that seemingly came out of nowhere. I was with a friend when it happened and I'm so thankful for his quick response in coming to my aid. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday but I kinda regret not going to the hospital right after it happened. I don't wanna make a big deal about it but I guess I have to, because it is something serious. I just wonder what doctors can do for me now that it's over. I assume they have tests they can do but I am also not really happy about having to explain my recent activities or drug us. I just don't wanna be judged. But in order for them to help me I know that I have to be completely honest with them about the types of things I might be doing that could be putting me in danger of having another one. I've witnessed other people have seizures before and it's scary just being around someone who

My bro suggested this writing prompt to me last night, so let me give it a try. I'm proud of the fact that I graduated from college. It was a struggle and I really didn't have anyone to go before me to set the stage, but though it all I stuck to it and accomplished my goal. My degree proudly hangs in my aunt's house and I have a copy in my room to remind me of what I've done. It was one of my proudest moments even though I didn't get to attend my own graduation (another story). I'm proud of how I'm dealing with my mental issues. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder years ago and it's been a struggle to cope with the ways my emotions and my mood changes. For the past year or two I've done well though. It's not an easy fight but I'm committed to beating this thing and not allowing it to ruin my life or my relationships. I'm proud of myself for starting a fledgling business. It's only a resume writing business but it's somethi

I don't know why I don't just give these things up completely. Days like today make me wonder if they are even giving me a decent outlet to talk to other gay men, or if they are just a way for bitter faggots to spew hatred when they don't get the type of response they want from me. It's like I try to be nice to everyone, but people assume I'm supposed to be a certain way. And when I'm not who they think I should be, they get an attitude or they get dismissive. The first idiot today really threw me for a loop. He hit me up and his profile was one that I wouldn't have given the time of day, but he went against his own words and sent me a pic early in the conversation, saying he wanted me to know who I was talking to. So I figured he was at least half way decent if he could understand that I didn't want to talk to an anonymous profile. So we chatted briefly and he soon asked me for my number. I thought he wanted to ask me something personal but it turns o

What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for a comfortable home. We're not rich but we're far from poor too. I've always felt like home was a place I was always welcome and where I can be myself. I'm grateful for those friends I have who support me financially. They definitely don't have to do it and I appreciate the help they give when they are able to. I am grateful for the luxuries of cable and internet because they keep me from being bored and they allow me to do a little bit of work for myself from home. I'm grateful for the books I have because they've taught me a lot about things that I'm interested in, particularly history and politics. I'm grateful for my experiences growing up, because they have taught me to be appreciative of the life that I have.

What am I grateful for today? I'm grateful to be born into such a rich heritage of being a black person. There is so much richness in the legacy left by my ancestors. I couldn't imagine being anything else, and wouldn't want to be either. I'm grateful for technology, and the ability to keep in contact with people even though we're so far away physically. I get to see what my friends and family are doing every day and I feel connected to them much more than I would if there were no computers or Facebook. I'm grateful for my mother and father, for having me. They may not have been there to experience all the things I did growing up, but without them I would not be. I love them both and I'm just grateful that I get to know them for who they are, flaws and all. I'm grateful for the teachers I've had over my life. They have all poured so much time and energy into me and I believe they did that because they saw someone worth investing in. I hope I

My best friend challenged me to start writing about what I'm grateful for every day. So what better time to start than now. Today, I'm grateful for my family, specifically my Aunt Bert who has shown unconditional love and support for me since the first time she saw me as a baby. I do not know where I'd be without her. I'm grateful for the opportunity to get an education. I might not be doing what I thought I'd be doing at this point in my life but at least I have something that says I'm capable. My degree was a goal that I set my mind to and accomplished and I'm happy that I stuck with it and proved it to myself. I'm grateful for my health. I have issues that I have to deal with but for the most part I am healthy. I'm blessed to have access to doctors and medicine that keep me going and in good shape. I'm grateful for my friends who remind me every day that I'm a special person deserving of love and loyalty. They have always been a gr

This morning I attended a program at my old high school dedicated to unveiling a historical marker at our school. Israel Charles Norcom High School has been a part of Portsmouth's black community since the 1900s, and the legacy that goes along with the name has continued on in our lovely city for more than 100 years. Today, Norcom students, administration, alumni, faculty, staff and friends gathered together with a few local and state leaders to recognize the contribution that I. C. Norcom has made to the Portsmouth community. Congressman Bobby Scott was there and spoke, so was the city Superintendent and the Mayor. I got to catch up with an old teacher of mine, Mr Miles Bond. and it was great being back in a place with so many great memories and such a great history attached to it. I've missed seeing so many smiling brown faces every day. Norcom truly has a place in my heart and I hope and pray that the institution continues to have such a positive and profound affect on our c

So, I've been home alone for three days now because Aunt Bert is in California! She went out there on an invite from my sister in law to surprise my brother, Neavrae, at his upcoming promotion ceremony with the Navy. This is her first time going to California and I'm really happy that she got to go out there to see my brother. It's a little weird being here alone though. I'm so used to Aunt Bert always being home that it just takes some getting used to with her not being here every morning and every night. I'm managing to take care of myself and the house fairly well. I haven't burned anything down, mainly because I haven't attempted to cook anything. And I'm not even entertaining company at home which I thought I would but quickly realized I don't want to invite people into my home, especially folk I don't even know. I took down the Christmas tree, washed my bed linens and I'll probably do some more laundry later in the week. I've just

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr Day. It's a day of remembrance and service and a time to honor a man who did so much to bring us closer together as a nation. Dr. King was taught to us all in school and we all know him for his rousing speeches, his leadership in protests and marches, and ultimately losing his life in the fight for racial equality and social justice. He was definitely a monumental figure in American history and someone who we can all look to for inspiration in how we live our individual lives.

I came across this newspaper photo of me when I was going through a box of stuff that my ex brought me over Christmas. Even the reason I was in jail makes me laugh now because it was something stupid that could have been completely avoided if I'd have just kept my mouth shut and controlled my emotions. But in the moment, I felt I needed to say what was on my mind and that feeling ended up landing me in jail for a few days. It's crazy that cussing someone out over the phone would be considered a crime just like assault or violating a protective order. But that's our criminal justice system. You can tell how irritated I was from my face in the picture. I was completely irritated and just not feeling the whole process. But that's old news. I'm glad I'm past that part of my life, feeling the need to speak out on every little thing that I feel wronged about. When things bother me or upset me now I just leave it alone. Not everything deserves a response and most t

Like many other gay men, I have these gay dating apps on my phone. They are supposed to help men find compatible matches and meet up for dates or whatever, but in reality they are just apps people use to hook up and fuck. I'll admit, I've used them for that purpose before but at 35 I'm finding that I want a little more out of my relationships than just sex. So now I'm asking myself whether these apps are even useful to me anymore. The types of guys online are typically looking for a quick encounter and they don't even engage in meaningful conversation. It's all "Sup" and "Wyd" or "Wya". To me, that's just not the way anyone with any intelligence starts a conversation. But I have to remember that these guys, typically young 20-somethings, aren't looking for meaningful conversation, they are just looking to meet up for sex. I have been thinking about deleting these apps off my phone but for some reason I've been hesitant

We don't get a lot of snow in Virginia, but it seems to snow enough for the entire year when it does manage to fall and stick. This time we got about 8-10 inches. I've managed to clear our walkway and driveway over the past two days and I'm kinda proud of myself that I did it without any help or without having to be asked or prompted by my Aunt. We actually got out of the house and went to the grocery store today, which was a welcome treat for me because I hate being stuck in the house, especially due to snow. It's supposed to stay below freezing until Monday so it'll be here for a couple more days. In the meanwhile, I'm staying warm inside, trying to find something other than CNN to watch on TV. I got my soda and my Black N Milds so I'm good. I hope everyone else affected by the storm is staying warm and safe, Here's to the Blizzard of 2018!

Today I re-applied for a job. It was nothing special, just as a server at the local Ruby Tuesday restaurant in my neighborhood. I figured it's something that I'm familiar with, it's close, and they would probably be willing to work with my 20-hour limit placed on my by disability. It was simple because my information was already saved in their system, but it reminded me why I hate applying for jobs online. Those damn assessments are so fucking stupid. I understand wanting to get an idea of someone's personality, but those online assessments are not the best way to go about it. I don't feel that they accurately gauge an applicant's personality, and more importantly they tell you nothing about that person's actual ability to do the job you're looking to hire them for. I'm a fan of old fashioned interviews, where you can see someone's attire, feel their handshake, and listen to the way they speak and answer your questions. I'm sure that is sti

My license has been suspended for years. It's not even because of driving infractions, but because of other convictions that I have and my inability to pay the fines and court costs associated with them. This is something I want to take care of in 2018 but today really put it into perspective for me as to just how much work this is going to take.  Today I took the time to look up my different charges online and to tally up the total I owe. It's damn near $4500! To some this might not seem like a lot, but to me, someone with only a limited income, it's seemingly insurmountable. But this year I'm not speaking negatively about things in my life, I'm doing my best to try to speak positively and to speak things into existence. So, with that being said, this year I'm going to do what I need to do to put this debt behind me, or to at least get on a payment plan so I can drive while working to pay it completely off. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make this