I'm sitting here in my bed, like I do every day, just thinking. Thinking about my life and how things have turned out. I beat myself up about things that I've done or opportunities that I've let slip though my fingers. I wish I had done things differently but I can't turn back time to go back and fix them. So where does that leave me? What can I do today to move forward?
I fear that I'm falling into the same cracks that my parents did. I should have known better. I saw first hand what happened to them and I should have been smart enough not to go down the same path. But here I am, battling the same demons and trying day in and day out to keep my head above water. Sometimes I hate myself for not listening to the lessons I had as a kid. I regret starting bad habits and allowing them to affect my life in the way that they have. I wake up every day unmotivated and stuck. I see my friends going about their lives, working, loving their children, spending time with their husbands and wives. And I'm just here, searching for something to keep me occupied every day.
People try to encourage me but I find myself not in a space to really accept what they are saying. They tell me how intelligent I am and that I'm a good person, but all I can see of myself is the guy who fucked everything up and lost all I had worked so hard to get. They point out the fact that I graduated from college and I always end up downplaying that as if it's nothing to even be proud of. I forget that not everyone has that chance, and even those who do don't fully take advantage of it. But for some reason I did. I remember that time in my life, and I remember having that goal of finishing my degree by any means necessary. I rode the bus and stayed at friends' houses just to make sure I got to class and did my work. I struggled though it but I got it done. I need to have that same determination with what I'm facing today. It's just hard as hell to battle my own mind, because that is my biggest obstacle right now, not anyone else.
Every day I think that I need to go seek help, but I never get up to do it. I don't know what I'm afraid of but I hesitate when I think about having to tell someone all I am going though and what I truly feel about myself and about my life. I've been to counseling before and sometimes it's helped and other times it hasn't. I know finding the right person to talk to is a big part of getting better but I hate the process. I don't wanna be judged but I do want to figure out where my problems stem from, just what things in my past are hindering me from moving forward and being the best version of Bennaire that I can be. I used to be so full of life and fun to be around, now I fear I'm just existing and waiting around for life to end. I can't continue on like this. I've got to find something to be excited about, something to live for.
What happened to me? Where did things go wrong? Was it the first time I went to jail? Was it the deterioration of my mental health? Was it drugs? I don't have the answer but I know I need to find out in order to work on making it better.
I thought about maybe spending a few days with my daddy out in Suffolk, getting away for a minute and having some quality time with him. He's been though what I'm going though right now and I'm sure his advice would be beneficial. And he always makes me feel loved, so that's something I definitely need right now. It would just be good to be around him and learn from someone who has fought his entire life and ended up in a good place. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but the older I became the more I began to understand that life throws us all curve balls, we just have to learn how to watch them and hit them out of the park.
I've had so many good people pour positive things into my life, I just would hate to disappoint them or let them down. From teachers to coaches to Aunt Bert, they all see something in me that I can't quite grasp at this point in life. I've let my vision become clouded and I've lost my way, but I know the path is still out there somewhere for me to get back to. I know I'm not the only person fighting this fight but sometimes I do feel alone dealing with it. But I've got to fight. I've got to hold on to whatever makes me feel like I'm worthy of a good life and use that as motivation to keep moving forward.
I need to write more, too. Somehow what I'm going though needs to end up in some type of book. That's the only way I see myself getting out of this situation. I've always been told I write well and I believe that, especially now that I can see how other people use words on social media. I know I have a gift with words. I just need to find something every day to write about and put them together into a book. I don't know if it will be about my life and the things I've faced since growing up, or if it will be a lot of essays on my perspective in how I view the world. Whatever I write I'm sure someone will be interested enough in it to buy a copy, hopefully a lot of people will. I just need to work on it like it's my job.
But since I can't turn back time, I have to focus on today and the rest of my life. I have to make the most of each moment and figure out the best decision as they are brought to my attention. I can't continue living in the past and worrying about things that I can't change. I can't let my past hold my future hostage. I know it's going to be a long and difficult journey, but I have nothing else to do but to take it on and face my fears upfront. I will beat this. I will be successful. I will overcome.
I fear that I'm falling into the same cracks that my parents did. I should have known better. I saw first hand what happened to them and I should have been smart enough not to go down the same path. But here I am, battling the same demons and trying day in and day out to keep my head above water. Sometimes I hate myself for not listening to the lessons I had as a kid. I regret starting bad habits and allowing them to affect my life in the way that they have. I wake up every day unmotivated and stuck. I see my friends going about their lives, working, loving their children, spending time with their husbands and wives. And I'm just here, searching for something to keep me occupied every day.
People try to encourage me but I find myself not in a space to really accept what they are saying. They tell me how intelligent I am and that I'm a good person, but all I can see of myself is the guy who fucked everything up and lost all I had worked so hard to get. They point out the fact that I graduated from college and I always end up downplaying that as if it's nothing to even be proud of. I forget that not everyone has that chance, and even those who do don't fully take advantage of it. But for some reason I did. I remember that time in my life, and I remember having that goal of finishing my degree by any means necessary. I rode the bus and stayed at friends' houses just to make sure I got to class and did my work. I struggled though it but I got it done. I need to have that same determination with what I'm facing today. It's just hard as hell to battle my own mind, because that is my biggest obstacle right now, not anyone else.
Every day I think that I need to go seek help, but I never get up to do it. I don't know what I'm afraid of but I hesitate when I think about having to tell someone all I am going though and what I truly feel about myself and about my life. I've been to counseling before and sometimes it's helped and other times it hasn't. I know finding the right person to talk to is a big part of getting better but I hate the process. I don't wanna be judged but I do want to figure out where my problems stem from, just what things in my past are hindering me from moving forward and being the best version of Bennaire that I can be. I used to be so full of life and fun to be around, now I fear I'm just existing and waiting around for life to end. I can't continue on like this. I've got to find something to be excited about, something to live for.
What happened to me? Where did things go wrong? Was it the first time I went to jail? Was it the deterioration of my mental health? Was it drugs? I don't have the answer but I know I need to find out in order to work on making it better.
I thought about maybe spending a few days with my daddy out in Suffolk, getting away for a minute and having some quality time with him. He's been though what I'm going though right now and I'm sure his advice would be beneficial. And he always makes me feel loved, so that's something I definitely need right now. It would just be good to be around him and learn from someone who has fought his entire life and ended up in a good place. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but the older I became the more I began to understand that life throws us all curve balls, we just have to learn how to watch them and hit them out of the park.
I've had so many good people pour positive things into my life, I just would hate to disappoint them or let them down. From teachers to coaches to Aunt Bert, they all see something in me that I can't quite grasp at this point in life. I've let my vision become clouded and I've lost my way, but I know the path is still out there somewhere for me to get back to. I know I'm not the only person fighting this fight but sometimes I do feel alone dealing with it. But I've got to fight. I've got to hold on to whatever makes me feel like I'm worthy of a good life and use that as motivation to keep moving forward.
I need to write more, too. Somehow what I'm going though needs to end up in some type of book. That's the only way I see myself getting out of this situation. I've always been told I write well and I believe that, especially now that I can see how other people use words on social media. I know I have a gift with words. I just need to find something every day to write about and put them together into a book. I don't know if it will be about my life and the things I've faced since growing up, or if it will be a lot of essays on my perspective in how I view the world. Whatever I write I'm sure someone will be interested enough in it to buy a copy, hopefully a lot of people will. I just need to work on it like it's my job.
But since I can't turn back time, I have to focus on today and the rest of my life. I have to make the most of each moment and figure out the best decision as they are brought to my attention. I can't continue living in the past and worrying about things that I can't change. I can't let my past hold my future hostage. I know it's going to be a long and difficult journey, but I have nothing else to do but to take it on and face my fears upfront. I will beat this. I will be successful. I will overcome.
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