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Showing posts from December, 2014

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Hey everyone. Just decided to write today since I'm already at the computer and there's not much more for me to do right now. I can't say that I'm in a bad mood, because that's really not how I feel at the moment. But rather than that I kinda feel indifferent. I feel indifferent about a lot, about life, about my health and definitely about my future. Success would be great, but I just have a hard time believing that it is in the future for me.

I've had a few bad days where I have made my husband and our roommate feel bad, sad, confused, upset or whatever. But the emotions I go through still feel to me as if they are not important, understood or even real to them. So, I just last through it and try to get back to "normal" as soon as possible so I am not bothering other folk as much.

I have stopped taking my meds for anxiety, and as of now I've stopped my HIV meds too. I'm due for an appt in January, and hopefully there will be new meds prescrib…

To feel ignored...

Every day, that's how I feel. When I have strong enough feelings about something to speak about it, I'm always just ignored or passed off as crazy and not worth listening to. My concerns don't matter to anyone else and they aren't respected as real or genuine. That makes me feel like shit. Days like this are when I have thoughts and feelings of killing myself, because that would at least free me from the pain I have to deal with on a constant basis. My personal life suffers because I'm crazy. I have no career or job because I'm crazy. My relationships are strained because I'm crazy and paranoid. So why am my cries for release always dismissed as nonsense? I mean, if I'm only alive because others want me to be, how does that help me? If my desire is to kill myself, why do I not have the freedom to do so? Why am I bound here on earth in torture because someone else's desire for be entertained by my failures and faults is more higher up in priority to …

Too much.

Everyone has been telling me that I need to write more, especially since my mind seems to be so flooded with thoughts and my spirit with emotions that I can't make sense of nor fully control. I've hesitated to put what I'm feeling into words, because in my mind there's nothing good about what I might have to say...about much of anything.

Maybe I should start with the good things. I love my husband. He's stuck with me through all of my bullshit, and let me tell you it's a lot of bullshit. A lot. Like... A LOT. I don't know how or why but he loves me. And I love him, too. I'm just so fucked up that I have a real hard time making sure I'm showing him the love and respect he deserves for all he does. Either way, I'm just happy I have my man by my side throughout whatever comes.

I love my family. Some of them have not really been as "there for me" as I'd like to imagine they should be, but then again I can't put my own expectations …