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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Hey everyone. Just decided to write today since I'm already at the computer and there's not much more for me to do right now. I can't say that I'm in a bad mood, because that's really not how I feel at the moment. But rather than that I kinda feel indifferent. I feel indifferent about a lot, about life, about my health and definitely about my future. Success would be great, but I just have a hard time believing that it is in the future for me.

I've had a few bad days where I have made my husband and our roommate feel bad, sad, confused, upset or whatever. But the emotions I go through still feel to me as if they are not important, understood or even real to them. So, I just last through it and try to get back to "normal" as soon as possible so I am not bothering other folk as much.

I have stopped taking my meds for anxiety, and as of now I've stopped my HIV meds too. I'm due for an appt in January, and hopefully there will be new meds prescribed at that point anyway. But, if not, at least I know that I'll be used to no meds and I can continue with my own desire to seek more natural and holistic treatments for myself. I'm just tired of depending on medicine and systems that are not meant for me.

I would love to be a better version of myself, but I don't think that I can ever get to that point by allowing myself to be experimented on by professionals who ignore my very existence outside of them getting money for my treatment in their facility. There has to be better ways to deal with what's wrong with me, or better yet, there has to be a better way for me to deal with what's wrong with the world I'm stuck living in.

Christmas is coming up and as usual I'm unemployed. I tried to tell my family and friends that I don't want to get any gifts because I have no money to get them anything in return. Of course, my wishes were ignored and now I feel like another charity case, but only one that matters during the holidays. Funny how when I was to ask for something prior to Christmas these very same people were always broke. But oh well, maybe this is the American way. Too bad I don't participate in it.

But, as the good son my job is to play my part. So, I'll be going home on Christmas, allowing my family to celebrate the fake birth of their fake White savior, and exchange retail trappings that only support a system that keeps us all enslaved to numbers. And after it's all over I can rest assured that I have another 300 days before I'm expected to be fake and smile for no reason again.

Today...I hope it doesn't go south too quickly.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
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I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
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"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
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Because it took days before my body recovered
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And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…