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Too much.

Everyone has been telling me that I need to write more, especially since my mind seems to be so flooded with thoughts and my spirit with emotions that I can't make sense of nor fully control. I've hesitated to put what I'm feeling into words, because in my mind there's nothing good about what I might have to say...about much of anything.

Maybe I should start with the good things. I love my husband. He's stuck with me through all of my bullshit, and let me tell you it's a lot of bullshit. A lot. Like... A LOT. I don't know how or why but he loves me. And I love him, too. I'm just so fucked up that I have a real hard time making sure I'm showing him the love and respect he deserves for all he does. Either way, I'm just happy I have my man by my side throughout whatever comes.

I love my family. Some of them have not really been as "there for me" as I'd like to imagine they should be, but then again I can't put my own expectations on other people. I don't like when it's done to me so I shouldn't do that to them either. Anyway, I love my family. I'll leave it at that.

Everything shit. Personally, I'm just a mess. No need to list the issues, anyone who knows me is already well informed of my past, present and future obstacles. But, what makes it worse this time around is the climate in which I find the rest of the nation. When I tell you that my heart literally broke when the Grand Jury in the Mike Brown/Ferguson situation came back without an indictment, I mean that. I have never felt that type of disappointment in my life. I mean, I've been let down by people, individuals, and that's something you can get over because it's attributed to a single person. Almost like an anomaly in science. But, for an institution of the state, the government, to blatantly and disrespectfully abuse the system to protect one of "their" own from the justice sought my MILLIONS, my entire understanding of freedom, liberty and justice crumbled before my eyes.

To add insult to injury, it hasn't stopped. In New York, a Grand Jury in Staten Island came back with no indictment for the officer involved in the death of brother Eric Garner. Again, and even more so this time because of the video, I felt lied to, betrayed, and made fool of by the nation I pledged allegiance to every school day of my childhood years.  If ever I had doubted that I was an American, the last 100 plus days have given me more than enough reason to justify those doubts. Even as I write this now I find it hard to stay on topic because the rage I feel towards the country I once thought saw me as a citizen is quite real. Very real.

Rage. I think that word describes my baseline. Every day I walk around having to either drug myself to become numb enough to exist with the rest of society and not make every moment of their lives a living hell. Because I can very easily do that until they either lock me up or kill me (And those of you who know me understand that the latter of those two previous choices is what I'd more than likely aim for...). I'm mad about everything. Everywhere I look I see shit that is wrong, unjust, fucked up, and did I mention WRONG? I mean, I'm not perfect. Nowhere near. But, I have tried to do what's been told to me to be right. I tried it. I really did try. And some of it I actually accomplished. It might not have been on the time schedule set for me by people who know nothing about how life was for me or how it would be, but I still rose to the occasion and got things done. Somehow, none of that matters now, or at least that's the way I feel in the world now. I feel like no matter what I did in the past, the situations I find myself in would have come about anyway. They aren't due to poverty or a lack of education. I didn't suffer from abuse or neglect. Never even had a broken bone. But, what I do feel like I suffer from is being an intelligent Black man. I feel like there's no place for someone like that in society. Well, let me be more specific, because a lot of my boys are very intelligent brothers, but they don't necessarily speak their minds like I do. They have good jobs and make decent money, but they aren't a threat to society because their priorities are in bitches, Jordans, and other material things that keep them busy and having to continue going to those well-paying time consuming jobs that keep them pacified and docile among their White co-workers and bosses. But me...for some reason rubbing elbows with the rich White folk never appealed to me. And I've simply never let go of that philosophy.

Now this nigga just walked downstairs and my whole mood has changed. He can get a ride anywhere else but work. I'm done. Maybe I'll write later, maybe I won't.


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