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I should be happy...

I should be ecstatic!  I'm finally done with the legal issues that have been plaguing me for the past year or so, and there's even a wonderful job opportunity on the horizon for me.  But, for some reason I'm not really feeling like I think I should. I think I should be happy. But, then again, I don't really know if I can trust my own judgment, since it's not been the best tool for me in my life up to this point.

I don't have the hope or the faith (at this moment) that I thought I'd have once all the things I was carrying around were lifted off of my shoulders.  But, I guess there's a lot more that I haven't paid attention to that's keeping me weighed down. I really don't even want to delve any deeper into my life or my mind anymore. I just want to live. If there was a way I could be hypnotized or made to forget everything bad that I have in my mind, I'd take that option without a second thought or hesitation.

I'm married, I have a great man in my life who loves me... I should be happy. I have moments of happiness, or moments where I'm not depressed and feeling bad, but even having someone to love me doesn't seem to be enough to pull me out of my funk on its own.  Instead of focusing on how much he loves me, I have thoughts and feelings about how unworthy I am to have him or how me simply being me has the potential to destroy his life and everything he's worked so hard to achieve for the both of us.

I have friends and family who I know love me, but I have convinced myself that they would be better off if I weren't around. I feel like they wouldn't have to worry about how I'm feeling or whether or not I'm in jail or not. In my mind, they would be better off without having me as a burden, always in need of something and always asking for something.  No matter what people say, I know that people like me, are hated in this world.

I would LOVE to be able to have my own money and to be able to take care of myself, but that's just not possible.  I know people will tell me that anything is possible, but that's not true. Not everything is. The amount of money I owe to get my license back and the background I'd have to overcome to get a job that would pay me enough to do that are obstacles that simply aren't able to be overcome.  And to expect that I have the capability or skills to start any business that would enable me to have some kind of financial freedom is crazy.  Even with the skills of reading, writing and speaking I find that I have nothing to offer the world in which I live. Nobody sees the value in a Black male who can do those things. I can't rap or play basketball, so there's no spots for me in the realm of successful folk in America.

I know reading this makes one think that I'm simply being negative or throwing a pity party for myself, but the truth is this is how I see myself. I figure that even if I were to ask someone how they view me, they'd just lie and say a lot of nice shit knowing damn well that it's not the truth. And that makes me feel even worse about myself, to know that there's nobody out there who is comfortable enough telling me the truth about myself.

And that's why I don't like the world in which I live. Everyone has either learned to love being lied to, or has become so used to lying that we have accepted it as our normal way of life. I can't stand it. Fat people can't be called fat. Stupid people don't want to be called stupid. Racist people don't want to be called racists. Even mean and rude people like me don't like to be called out on their shit. So where does that leave those of us who prefer to be honest and real?  Well, for me, I feel left in a box all alone, with nobody to talk to, and nobody to understand how I feel.


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