Skip to main content

I should be happy...

I should be ecstatic!  I'm finally done with the legal issues that have been plaguing me for the past year or so, and there's even a wonderful job opportunity on the horizon for me.  But, for some reason I'm not really feeling like I think I should. I think I should be happy. But, then again, I don't really know if I can trust my own judgment, since it's not been the best tool for me in my life up to this point.

I don't have the hope or the faith (at this moment) that I thought I'd have once all the things I was carrying around were lifted off of my shoulders.  But, I guess there's a lot more that I haven't paid attention to that's keeping me weighed down. I really don't even want to delve any deeper into my life or my mind anymore. I just want to live. If there was a way I could be hypnotized or made to forget everything bad that I have in my mind, I'd take that option without a second thought or hesitation.

I'm married, I have a great man in my life who loves me... I should be happy. I have moments of happiness, or moments where I'm not depressed and feeling bad, but even having someone to love me doesn't seem to be enough to pull me out of my funk on its own.  Instead of focusing on how much he loves me, I have thoughts and feelings about how unworthy I am to have him or how me simply being me has the potential to destroy his life and everything he's worked so hard to achieve for the both of us.

I have friends and family who I know love me, but I have convinced myself that they would be better off if I weren't around. I feel like they wouldn't have to worry about how I'm feeling or whether or not I'm in jail or not. In my mind, they would be better off without having me as a burden, always in need of something and always asking for something.  No matter what people say, I know that people like that...like me, are hated in this world.

I would LOVE to be able to have my own money and to be able to take care of myself, but that's just not possible.  I know people will tell me that anything is possible, but that's not true. Not everything is. The amount of money I owe to get my license back and the background I'd have to overcome to get a job that would pay me enough to do that are obstacles that simply aren't able to be overcome.  And to expect that I have the capability or skills to start any business that would enable me to have some kind of financial freedom is crazy.  Even with the skills of reading, writing and speaking I find that I have nothing to offer the world in which I live. Nobody sees the value in a Black male who can do those things. I can't rap or play basketball, so there's no spots for me in the realm of successful folk in America.

I know reading this makes one think that I'm simply being negative or throwing a pity party for myself, but the truth is this is how I see myself. I figure that even if I were to ask someone how they view me, they'd just lie and say a lot of nice shit knowing damn well that it's not the truth. And that makes me feel even worse about myself, to know that there's nobody out there who is comfortable enough telling me the truth about myself.

And that's why I don't like the world in which I live. Everyone has either learned to love being lied to, or has become so used to lying that we have accepted it as our normal way of life. I can't stand it. Fat people can't be called fat. Stupid people don't want to be called stupid. Racist people don't want to be called racists. Even mean and rude people like me don't like to be called out on their shit. So where does that leave those of us who prefer to be honest and real?  Well, for me, I feel left in a box all alone, with nobody to talk to, and nobody to understand how I feel.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Just tired of living...

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.

I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm …

Living At Home...

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow.

Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't m…

The Good Witch of the South, A Beautiful Black Glinda!

I'm not trying to weigh in on the reviews about The Wiz Live. I really don't care about what folks thought about the adaptations to the story or the way it was produced, etc. Everyone in it was pretty damn good, the costumes were amazing, and once again Black people have shown the world that we can take things that might be old and outdated and bring them back to life. The idea that an entirely new generation of Black children now have something they will beg their parents to let them watch and re-watch, like I did with The Wiz of the 70's, makes my world a little bit better place. 





For ME, the most memorable moment was when Glinda, The Good Witch of the South, descended from the sky in a golden glowing gown. Accompanied by two acrobatic beauties, also gilded in gold on each side of her, my girl Uzoamaka Nwanneka "Uzo" Aduba looked more like an African queen than a witch at all. Her hair was black and braided, and her curves were obvious and featured without apolo…