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Venting...

I'm sitting here at the job I love, dreading going to the new one that I already have issues with.  I've already been called picky because I voiced how I feel about being exploited at this call center, and of course I've had to remove that person completely from my life.  I hate being labeled something by someone who has no point of reference what it's like to be me.  To call me picky is an insult, and it spits in the face of all the work I've done previously, all the education I got for myself, and everything that I've managed to push through in my life.

Right now I'm so pissed, not just at that person, but at the situation I find myself in, and most of all I'm disappointed at myself for not being perfect.  I know, people will tell me that perfection isn't something that people should ever aspire to because it's not realistic, but I beg to differ.  When I go out into the world, I feel like I'm expected to be perfect, and I know I simply cannot live up to that no matter how hard I try.

I hate feeling like I'm unworthy.  I hate even more, being told in one breath how intelligent I am, and in the next being insulted because my response to that "compliment" wasn't what the person giving it wanted.  Go figure.  No matter if I think highly or lowly of myself, there will always be someone who won't agree, and who will try to vilify me for not thinking the same way they do.

The way I feel right now, I don't want anything. I just want to be able to go someplace quiet, alone, and be left with nature.  I need to take a break from the craziness of the world and try to find myself, try to figure out what Bennaire likes and wants, and to try to get back to feeling like a normal human being once again. It's been so long since I've felt good, I really don't even know what that feels like anymore.

What more does the world want from me? I mean, I did what most don't do, I went to college, got an education, graduated, etc... But of course, that's not ever enough. Now I've got to be the guy who has the bubbling personality who loves everyone and has the patience of God. Well, that's not me. Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm nice. And last time I checked, politeness isn't guaranteed to me so why should I bother with being nice or polite to anyone else?

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