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I'm sitting here at the job I love, dreading going to the new one that I already have issues with.  I've already been called picky because I voiced how I feel about being exploited at this call center, and of course I've had to remove that person completely from my life.  I hate being labeled something by someone who has no point of reference what it's like to be me.  To call me picky is an insult, and it spits in the face of all the work I've done previously, all the education I got for myself, and everything that I've managed to push through in my life.

Right now I'm so pissed, not just at that person, but at the situation I find myself in, and most of all I'm disappointed at myself for not being perfect.  I know, people will tell me that perfection isn't something that people should ever aspire to because it's not realistic, but I beg to differ.  When I go out into the world, I feel like I'm expected to be perfect, and I know I simply cannot live up to that no matter how hard I try.

I hate feeling like I'm unworthy.  I hate even more, being told in one breath how intelligent I am, and in the next being insulted because my response to that "compliment" wasn't what the person giving it wanted.  Go figure.  No matter if I think highly or lowly of myself, there will always be someone who won't agree, and who will try to vilify me for not thinking the same way they do.

The way I feel right now, I don't want anything. I just want to be able to go someplace quiet, alone, and be left with nature.  I need to take a break from the craziness of the world and try to find myself, try to figure out what Bennaire likes and wants, and to try to get back to feeling like a normal human being once again. It's been so long since I've felt good, I really don't even know what that feels like anymore.

What more does the world want from me? I mean, I did what most don't do, I went to college, got an education, graduated, etc... But of course, that's not ever enough. Now I've got to be the guy who has the bubbling personality who loves everyone and has the patience of God. Well, that's not me. Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm nice. And last time I checked, politeness isn't guaranteed to me so why should I bother with being nice or polite to anyone else?


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…