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No Place Like Home

So, I've been home for about two weeks now, and there's truly no place like it. Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, but then again no place is. But it's giving me exactly what I need right now, love, support and familiarity. I've been able to breathe. I miss my husband dearly, but I'm also well aware that I made this choice to come home for myself, and not for him. To know that he still loves me really makes me feel good, and gives me some motivation when it comes to doing the things I need to do for my health and well-being. I would be lying if I said this was easy, but I am hopeful that this is going to be worth it. Honestly, I didn't really know what to expect from a separation. I didn't really understand how we could fix something while apart that we couldn't fix while together. But now I kinda see where time apart gives us both time to work on things and allows us to still be able to talk and be there for each other, without the stress and tension that being in the same household might bring, especially since there's a third party involved as far as being a roommate. Yeah, there are days when I just wish I could pack my clothes back up and go back to him, but then I am reminded how I feel in Richmond being home by myself all day, or I remember the arguments the roommate and I have over things and some of the rude comments he would make about me not paying this or that. When those things come to mind, it helps me to remember why I made this choice and helps me remember that it was a choice made by me for me only, not for the benefit or pleasure of anyone else.

I also came home to get myself together, mentally and physically. I've been neglecting my own health and well-being for far too long and I need to really get back on track with those things. It's hard, because at times it seems overwhelming or just too much to handle at one time by myself. But I have realized that I have help in this. I'm not alone. But I can't expect anyone to do these things for me. I've got to make the calls. I've got to put forth the effort. I've got to show up and put in the work for my own life. That's something I had not grasped while living in Richmond and it's become so much more clear and obvious since coming back home.

I've also learned how much I love being married to my husband. Having these single guys hitting me up on Jack'd or A4A has really opened my eyes to how good of a man my husband is. Not that I didn't know this before, but it's just made it more evident to me after being bombarded by fools, idiots, and youngsters who have no clue what real life is going to hit them with once they get out in it. I know I've got issues, but my husband loves me through them and has helped me through them all without complaint. He's reached down to pick me up countless times. He's loved me even in times when I wasn't able to love myself. That's not something you find every day in a person. He's a good provider and works very hard to make a life for the both of us. By taking this time out, putting some distance between us, I really hope that we're able to work on things that will allow us to better appreciate one another and to be better for each other. I really want our marriage to work, and I know I have to do a lot of self-searching in order to hold up my portion of the deal. I'm more than willing to do that, I just know it's not going to be easy. But then again, nothing worth having is easy.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…