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How will I be remembered?

How will I be remembered?  I often think about that in my days at home when my mind is allowed to wonder away from the bullshit I've found myself in lately.

I went along with a guy who was taking stock photos in Hollywood Cemetery here in Richmond the other day.  As we walked and smoked, he took pictures and I would admire some of the really ornate headstones, obelisks, and memorials that were located in the historic cemetery.  It was a good break from always being in the house and brainwashing myself with CNN.  I was especially excited when I got to see some of the confederate graves and the grave site of Jefferson Davis, the former and only President of the Confederate States of America.  In my mind, "JD" (as his highway here in Richmond is affectionately called by locals) was a hero. He took a stand for something. Even though many people outside of the South did not quite appreciate or understand his position, he stood firm on what he felt was right.

I'm writing about this because it made me think about how I would be remembered after my death.  I'm not thinking about killing myself, so for the handful of y'all who actually read this, don't go worrying. I just allowed myself to think for a minute about what my legacy would be, or even if I'd be memorable enough for anything I've said or done to carry on to other generations.  Will I be remembered as the guy who did well in school and enjoyed teaching others anything they were willing to listen to?  Or will I be forgotten and only talked about when people try to tell stories about what not to do in life and how not to fuck things up?  I hope that it's not that latter, but I can't say for certain that what I've done so far will measure up to anything worthy of memory at all.

I don't see myself as anything special, and I have a hard time with understanding others' image of me even when they try to communicate it to me lovingly.  Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not fat or ugly... I might even be handsome and sexy. But, even given that admission, those things aren't aspects of who I am that I feel I can take credit for.  My parents did that, not me by myself.  The problem is that the things I do feel I had control over have not been developed to the level I feel I should have them by now.  And who's fault is that? Nobody but my own.

Despite how I see myself, how others see me would be more relevant when thinking about how I would be seen after I'm gone.  I hope that my friends and family who are left here would remember me as someone who truly tried his best to make a good life for myself against the odds that were stacked very high against me.  I hope they don't allow whatever dirty secrets that surface after I'm gone to make them see me in a different light than when they knew me.

All this depends on when I die.  If I were to die tragically in an accident now, I'm sure people would be shocked and a lot of pain. But if I grew old and died of old age and natural causes, how much time would that give me to change the narrative on how my life will be seen by those who would be left here to remember me.  My problem with that, is in the fact that I simply don't know what's to come.  Sure, I can be hopeful and optimistic, but I prefer reality than the other two. Being realistic, I know and understand that there is a slight possibility that I could somehow become a great man with a lot of influence and even notoriety.  But, I also understand that is going to be an uphill battle, and I don't know if I'm ready or even willing to take that on in my current state, mentally or physically.

I should probably pray more about it, but I am sure that I won't.  Prayer kinda goes against logic. I mean, if God is all-seeing and all-knowing can't He hear my thoughts?  I mean, He is GOD right?

Anyway, I'll leave that alone for now.  I'm just trying to sort things out and give myself some type of relief from the relentless bombardment of thoughts and scenarios that run through my mind day and night.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…