I want to begin by offering you a genuine and sincere apology. I was completely wrong for using such strong language towards you and for allowing my emotions to allow me to feel that making you feel bad was okay. It was wrong and for that I am truly sorry.
There are no excuses or reasons for me lashing out in the way that I did, that’s simply how I allowed my anger in the moment to control my mind and my better judgment. I did not consider your feelings, how you may have taken my words into a context of your own, and how my actions may have affected the work you do and the people you are associated with through that work. I know that having to take time out of your professional and personal life in order to deal with the process of court has also been something that you would rather not have had to do, and I regret that I’ve caused all of that in the past few months.
Since I know this letter will probably never get a response, I guess I’ll have to approach this is a different way than most letters would be written. So, please don’t judge me on my randomness in trying to convey my feelings in this moment.
I’ve punished myself for this more than any court or jail could possibly do. I’ve considered taking my life simply because I’ve looked that this entire situation as yet another failure of mine piled atop everything else that I haven’t been able to complete perfectly. I’ve convinced myself that I must be this horrible person that the prosecution makes me out to be in court, because that’s the only opinion that truly mattered.
I’ve allowed myself to believe that I am just like the other guys in jail who I met and lived with during my two weeks there for my Facebook comments about you. I don't think of myself as a well-educated and well-spoken young man with a few personality adjustments that might need to be addressed. Instead, I see myself as just another "Nigga" to fill up a tier at the Richmond City Jail, or Henrico County Jail since you've filed charges in both jurisdictions. My ability to read and write well doesn't matter much in court or in jail. But, for some reason it was impressive enough for you to hire me and then have me sit on those very talents because you wouldn't allow me to do anything but what you felt you could yell at me for not doing perfectly.
Maybe this letter is more for me than it is for you. Since I can’t call you or even send you an email directly, I figure putting my thoughts into words is the same as speaking them. I have to apologize because you deserve it. No matter what I feel you did to me that was wrong, I have to always live up to the code of being a gentleman and that often means yielding to what is best and not always what one feels is right. I really appreciated the opportunity you gave me when you hired me as your office assistant. I do regret that I was not able to show you just how much of a positive addition I could have been to the organization. But, I’m sure you felt strongly about the reasons you decided to have us part ways in the employment arrangement and I have no problem with respecting that now.
I guess what I'm getting at is this: Inside of my apology to you, is my forgiveness for you! I know that what you said and did to me has hurt me more than anyone outside of my being will ever care to know. I know that there are Black men outside of myself who deal with insults and comments each and everyday that make them feel like killing over, but they have no other choice but to accept it in order to put food on a table, to keep a roof over a family's head, or just to keep themselves out of prison. There are times where I allow that struggle to stand more behind my emotion than my intellect, and those are the moments where I find myself offering an apology and admitting to speaking before I think. But, even when I am wrong in my delivery, I stand firm in my convictions that what I believe is right. I cannot back down from what I know to be true even when faced with threats of being incarcerated and deprived of my right as a human being to liberty.
After today, I will live my life and not allow this situation to render me paralyzed in enjoying whatever good things await me in the world. Whether or not you've moved on, that can't be my concern. I hope you live your days in happiness and if we ever cross paths in the future I pray that we will have both grown wiser and into better people by that time.Sincerely, XXX