This Christmas

It's almost Christmas time and I just wanted to write a little bit about where I am and what life is treating me like at the moment. The tree is up here at the house and there are even gifts under it. Not as many as there used to be when I was a kid but it's just Aunt Bert and me here now so I guess it wouldn't be expected to be full. But it's feeling like Christmas nonetheless. The weather has definitely changed and going outside for anything is sure to make you think twice. For me, going to have a smoke has become damn near torture. The cold has me re-thinking smoking all together, which might be a good thing depending on how one looks at it.

The holidays have kind of lost their magic as an adult, especially one who doesn't have kids around. I don't have to put up the lights or keep secrets in order to make the magic of Santa seem real to some little boy or girl. Even my nieces and nephews are grown now and have their own children to create Christmas for.  For me, it's more about family and giving love and appreciation to the people around you. Our family is not all together here in Portsmouth like we used to be, but with technology we try to stay in touch as much as we can. I don't really talk to my brother directly, like he talks to Aunt Bert, but I follow him on FB and IG and I know he's doing well and looking good. I follow his wife, my sister in law, too. I really do wish they'd have a child tho, because I would love another little niece or nephew who might end up looking like me. That's just my selfish part of the whole thing.

Aunt Bert is 78 now but she's doing well. She's doing so well I'm way behind the ball on learning things I should have already learned years ago. I'm still impossible in the kitchen and don't know how to cook a thing. I told myself I'd start learning how to cook a new dish once a week, but so far that hasn't really happened yet. Maybe one day I'll break down and actually try to learn how to do something in the kitchen other than microwave or George Foreman something. It'll happen, I promise!

DeWitt is doing well, taking job offers now and looking to move away. I'm not really happy about the possibility of him moving away and taking himself and the dog so far away from home, but if that is what he wants for his life right now I have no choice but to support him and encourage him through the process he's going through at the moment. Even if he does go we will see one another eventually. I just want him to be happy, and I want my dog to be happy, too.

I'm spending a lot of time wasting time. I'm really not doing anything to prepare myself for a life of independence right now. I have short term and long term goals, but I really don't have any plans of how I'm going to get to achieve them. I want to work, but I'm not applying for jobs. I want to drive but I'm not saving money to start paying off my fines and court costs. I know I need to get back into counseling and work on my emotions and feelings, but I'm hesitant to go to the city agency and sign up for the help. I'm just kinda stuck in the moment right now because the moment is somewhat safe. It's not comfortable, and I long for something different, but for the present moment I'm safe. I have the basics of what I need and for now that is where I kinda want to be.

The dating/social life is empty as fuck. There's the usual messages on the apps from guys saying "what's good" a million times. There's the usual fuck boys who just wanna hook up and go our separate ways. And there are the nice guys who want to know more about me but I fear if they really knew me and what's going on in my life they'd run away. So I guess I push them away before they have a chance to run. I get lonely. I get depressed. But I don't wanna just be with someone just because I don't want to be by myself. I need to take my friend Justin's advice and fall in love with me before I expect someone else to see me in that type of way. And in addition to me loving myself I want to find love the natural way. I want to fall in love with someone gradually, laughing, making each other smile, learning new things about one another through conversation and flirting. I don't want it to be about sex. I don't want it to be about drugs. I just want to get to know someone over time and let us just naturally come together and develop feelings for each other. Is that too much to ask for?

I guess my mom and dad are good. Mom is still living here in Portsmouth with he friend Herb, and although I don't talk to her much I really am glad she's home and doing well. I am sure she's not in a perfect situation, but at least she's not away and locked up. Dad is getting along well I assume too. I haven't been to see him recently but he calls Aunt Bert and they talk for a while. I'm just glad I have both of them still here with me, even if our relationships aren't perfect. I know I should call both of them more and stay closer in touch, but I guess I'm just not one to reach out when I know I don't have much to talk to them about when it comes to what's going on with me and my life. Maybe that can change over time, I would like it to.

My friends are great. They are living their lives, working, having children, doing the daily stuff that make life worth living. They always have announcements or stories that make me smile. I enjoy seeing their kids in school and hearing the many stories that regular life have to give though social media. In many ways, even though I sit at home a majority of the time, I feel connected to them though technology and I'm glad we have this medium to share with each other. There are days when I wish I could be doing the things that I see them doing, but I'm at a different place in my life and I know it's important not to constantly compare myself to others. We are all different and our paths though life will be different as well. I just have to accept where I am and be grateful and thankful that I have these people as friends and that I'm able to share the experiences with them that life has allowed us.  It's amazing to share 20 and 30 years of friendship with people because it teaches you so much about life and living. People change, they always do, but whether they change for the better or worse is the interesting thing to be able to observe in people. I've watched so many of my childhood friends grow into these wonderful men and women, wives and husbands, mothers and fathers, and it's been wonderful. They've made me an uncle and godfather many times over and I'm really honored to be able to share in their families in the ways in which they've accepted me in.

Spiritually, I'm still in the same space I was about this same time last year. Although I was raised a Christian, I'm not currently practicing or going to church, and I don't read the Bible or pray  much at all anymore. I've just found that the doctrine and history of Christianity just doesn't speak to me anymore, and I can't seem to justify practicing something that was used for so long to subjugate and enslave my people. I want to find something more meaningful and natural to me as a Black person, but it's not easy seeking fellowship with something that is so unfamiliar. I've started looking at Yoruba spirituality, but like anything else I'm a little apprehensive of committing to something before fully gaining an understanding of it and what I'd be getting myself into. Maybe I just need to keep researching and learning about it so that I can make an informed and knowledgeable decision. I still honor the beliefs of my Aunt and grandmothers, but I truly feel that it's not really for me. God is real, and I believe is universal, but the way I see God has to be more than what Christianity has to offer me. Is that wrong?

I've still been doing resumes and cover letters here and there, but business is still very slow and spotty. I'm not good with marketing and I would really love to find a way to get more people in front of some type of advertising for my business. I don't need more clients than I can help myself, but it would be nice to have some type of steady stream of people who are interested in my services. If I could make 30 or 50 dollars a day that would really change my life. The extra money would allow me to do some things that I think would really benefit me, as well as giving me a bit more freedom to get out of the house and enjoy simple things like eating out or just maybe stepping out and taking a trip to the museum. Either way, I'm still moving forward with my business, but I'm going to remain hopeful that I can expand my services to something that will engage more people to seek my assistance.

I think about the future a lot and wonder what I'll do with myself when my Aunt Bert is gone. I know it's not the best topic to have on one's mind, but it's something that I really need to prepare myself for. She's not going to live forever and at some point things will fall in my lap to take care of. Right now, I'm completely unprepared and I know it. How I'm going to get from where I am to where I need to be, I have no idea. But I truly feel that somewhere between here and there, I'll find the things I need to prepare me to carry on. From what I hear, nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent, especially your mother, but maybe that will be the thing that happens that gives me what I need in order to move on and finally grow into the man I need to be. There are some things I know I need to change in my life, personally, spiritually, financially, behaviorally, and I'll get to them in time. I think knowing and speaking about these things is a first step. Seeking and accepting the help is the next logical thing that I need to work on and put into action.

I know this isn't an essay on social justice or a critic of President Trump, but I wanted to get back into practice writing and I just wanted to sit and type away what was on my mind. It may be all over the place but this is just what was on my brain and what came though my fingers onto the keyboard and then onto the screen. I've always enjoyed writing, but I've never really sat down and considered it as a career. There are famous authors who I admire and have studied, and I feel like I could be just like them. But there's something I lack that I cannot quite put my finger on. I don't know if it's the lack of motivation, or my disorganized mind at the moment. I love writing and expressing my point of view, and I love teaching people things that they may not know, especially things about history and Black people as originators on this planet. I'm not trying to be the super Pro-Black guy, or the anti-White guy, I just want to seek the truth and find my rightful place among the human race. I can't possibly see myself reaching high heights if I don't know the depths from which my people have come. I sit and watch YouTube videos, research things I hear online, and buy books that are written by my master teachers. I've really tried to inform myself about the world I live in and about who I am as a human being. I've learned more about the history of my people since I've been out of college than I did when I was in school paying for an education. But hey, that's Western education for you! I'm not mad. I don't want to be the angry Black man, but I just want people to come from a place of truth, honesty or facts and finally talk about what holds us back as a nation and as a world.

But as Christmas approaches, I find myself in a good place (11 days out). I'm in good health. My mental state is steady and I'm not mad or upset with anyone about anything. I am not where I need to be but I'm content with where I am at this moment because I could be worse off with  much less. I have friends and family who love me and I have a warm bed to sleep in with good food to put in my belly every day and night. The woman I owe my life to is here with me and healthy and my other parents are still alive and doing better than they have been in the past. I have a little bit of money to do things with every now and then and I don't have to beg anyone for money to get on the bus or to get a soda or a blunt. I'm blessed. The universe has taken care of me, and for that I'm grateful.

As I look forward to next year, I just want to do better than I have before. I want to move forward and shed old things that no longer do me any good. I want to be able to position myself so that I can accept the opportunities that the universe might put before me and I want to be fully aware so that I can take advantage of those things when they come. I want to learn to love myself more and to accept the things that have led to this point and have made me the man that I am. I want to be a better friend, brother, son, uncle and godfather, and I want to do something that contributes to making the world I live in and the community I come from a better place to be. I want to teach those who are in the dark and I want to learn new things that enlighten my mind. I don't want to be held back by my past any longer and I want to be able to frame the things I've gone though in a way that will show people that I've learned from bad decisions and have allowed them to shape me into a more responsible and mature individual.

If you're reading this and you are part of my life, I just want to say thank you for your love and support throughout the years. I'm thankful for every person who speaks words of encouragement into my life and grateful for those of you who take time to send positive energy my way. I truly appreciate it.