When people tell me that I write well I am often in disbelief. Not that I don't write well in the sense of writing college research papers or high school reports, because I feel that I'm able to do that well or at least I've proven that I can do those well by graduating from school. But when it comes to writing things that people WANT to read, I don't know where I stand. People read my blog and take whatever away from what I write, but they aren't affected by it in any real way, at least I don't think so. I want to be prolific. I want to change the way people see Black men. I want to change the way people see Black suburbanites like me. I want to redefine Blackness and let brothers like myself out there know that we count just as much as the brothers in jail and on drugs, and as much as the successful brothers who have left the hood behind for corporate America and PhDs.
But what do I have to offer the culture? Where does my experience land me in the spectrum of Blackness in America? I haven't traveled abroad or have any special cultural experience. I've been in Virginia most of my life and have only traveled here and there to visit friends or family. I did the college thing, but I didn't pledge or graduate at the top of my class. I can't help but feel that I'm just a regular guy. A typical nigga. Yeah, I've had the experience of having parents who suffered from drug addiction early on in my life, but that's not something unique to me. I think it's actually quite common for children born in the early 80s unfortunately. I don't think any of my peers have families without an uncle or cousin who has fell victim to drugs or incarceration surrounding something dealing with drugs. But I don't want to write solely about that either. I don't want my version of life to be a sob story about being a victim.
I want to write about being normal, about going to school and actually learning, about playing baseball with the boys and trying to be the best athlete I could be as a young boy. I want to write about growing up in the bowling alley with my aunt and long rides in the country with my uncle who was a truck driver. I want to talk about being clueless about my history as a person of African ancestry, but still knowing that I was somehow different from my White classmates by definition and by nature. I want to write about how my parents taught me about race, or how they taught us that race doesn't matter and that you treat people as individuals. Even though their stories though, I learned that White people as a group were not to be trusted and you had to constantly be on the lookout for systematic ways of segregating and subjugating Black people just because.
I want to write about being a first generation college student, and about going to one of the best HBCUs in the nation. I want to write about the girls I loved and how I came to realize that I was more attracted to men than the pretty girls I'd put up on a pedestal. I want to write about how my sexuality matured along with my age, and how I understood what it meant to be gay the older I got and the more I got in touch with my feelings and emotions.
I want to write about mental health in Black men and how we are so often left out to fend for ourselves. I want to talk about my own bouts with depression and suicide, and I hope my words can help some young man who is going through the same thing find his way through the dark times.
I want to write about being a husband, and how being married changes the way society sees and treats you. And of course I want to write about where I am now, headed towards divorce and having to pick up the pieces of life and try to start a new chapter alone. I know that many people have gotten divorced and have made good lives for themselves but my journey is unique and I really want to write about it so that I can maybe learn something from it.
I want to write about Black consciousness and being WOKE. I want to share with people where I've come from and where I want to go with my spirituality. I want to learn more about indigenous spiritual systems and I want to impart that knowledge on people who may not even know that the traditions and rituals they follow might not be the best thing for them when it comes to their ethnic culture. I want to be someone's door to higher enlightenment like so many of my master teachers were to me via YouTube and books that I ordered while in jail.
I want to talk about going to jail, too, and how it affected me and changed me. I want people to understand that it's a very crazy place and everyone in their is dealing or coping in their own ways. I want people to know how difficult it is to be in a place with total strangers and to be stuck having to deal with them day in and out. I want to hip people to the fact that it's not a place where rehabilitation happens, but rather it's all about punishment and control. They punish you for what you did and they control your body, your food intake, your movement, your communication,. They control everything and it is the most unnatural way for any human being to live.
I want to write about Obama and what his legacy means to someone like me. I want to write about politics and how I feel I'm included sometimes and left out at others. I want to write about Trump and how he's managed to fuck everything up in one year, and I want to express my utter disgust for the way he's bought nothing but shame to America and to the Presidency.
I want to write about being HIV positive and what that means to someone in 2017. I want people to know that it doesn't change your life in the ways it used to, and that if you take your diagnosis seriously that you can live a very long and healthy life.
I just want to write but I guess I will never know if people will like what I have to say or not. I guess I shouldn't worry about other people and what they want to hear or read. I should write what makes me feel a sense of release, and write what my truth is. That way, if someone likes it it's an extra bonus on top of the original satisfaction I have from simply expressing what I think or feel. If people dislike it, then oh well. Not everyone is going to like everything, that's just the way the world is. I just want to leave something of myself for future generations to have. And what better way to leave a legacy than to write about your life and tell the world exactly what you thought while you were here. Maybe my thoughts and words will spark a few minds, or maybe it will just be a way to chronicle history for future generations. Either way, I just wanna write. One day the fear will go away.
But what do I have to offer the culture? Where does my experience land me in the spectrum of Blackness in America? I haven't traveled abroad or have any special cultural experience. I've been in Virginia most of my life and have only traveled here and there to visit friends or family. I did the college thing, but I didn't pledge or graduate at the top of my class. I can't help but feel that I'm just a regular guy. A typical nigga. Yeah, I've had the experience of having parents who suffered from drug addiction early on in my life, but that's not something unique to me. I think it's actually quite common for children born in the early 80s unfortunately. I don't think any of my peers have families without an uncle or cousin who has fell victim to drugs or incarceration surrounding something dealing with drugs. But I don't want to write solely about that either. I don't want my version of life to be a sob story about being a victim.
I want to write about being normal, about going to school and actually learning, about playing baseball with the boys and trying to be the best athlete I could be as a young boy. I want to write about growing up in the bowling alley with my aunt and long rides in the country with my uncle who was a truck driver. I want to talk about being clueless about my history as a person of African ancestry, but still knowing that I was somehow different from my White classmates by definition and by nature. I want to write about how my parents taught me about race, or how they taught us that race doesn't matter and that you treat people as individuals. Even though their stories though, I learned that White people as a group were not to be trusted and you had to constantly be on the lookout for systematic ways of segregating and subjugating Black people just because.
I want to write about being a first generation college student, and about going to one of the best HBCUs in the nation. I want to write about the girls I loved and how I came to realize that I was more attracted to men than the pretty girls I'd put up on a pedestal. I want to write about how my sexuality matured along with my age, and how I understood what it meant to be gay the older I got and the more I got in touch with my feelings and emotions.
I want to write about mental health in Black men and how we are so often left out to fend for ourselves. I want to talk about my own bouts with depression and suicide, and I hope my words can help some young man who is going through the same thing find his way through the dark times.
I want to write about being a husband, and how being married changes the way society sees and treats you. And of course I want to write about where I am now, headed towards divorce and having to pick up the pieces of life and try to start a new chapter alone. I know that many people have gotten divorced and have made good lives for themselves but my journey is unique and I really want to write about it so that I can maybe learn something from it.
I want to write about Black consciousness and being WOKE. I want to share with people where I've come from and where I want to go with my spirituality. I want to learn more about indigenous spiritual systems and I want to impart that knowledge on people who may not even know that the traditions and rituals they follow might not be the best thing for them when it comes to their ethnic culture. I want to be someone's door to higher enlightenment like so many of my master teachers were to me via YouTube and books that I ordered while in jail.
I want to talk about going to jail, too, and how it affected me and changed me. I want people to understand that it's a very crazy place and everyone in their is dealing or coping in their own ways. I want people to know how difficult it is to be in a place with total strangers and to be stuck having to deal with them day in and out. I want to hip people to the fact that it's not a place where rehabilitation happens, but rather it's all about punishment and control. They punish you for what you did and they control your body, your food intake, your movement, your communication,. They control everything and it is the most unnatural way for any human being to live.
I want to write about Obama and what his legacy means to someone like me. I want to write about politics and how I feel I'm included sometimes and left out at others. I want to write about Trump and how he's managed to fuck everything up in one year, and I want to express my utter disgust for the way he's bought nothing but shame to America and to the Presidency.
I want to write about being HIV positive and what that means to someone in 2017. I want people to know that it doesn't change your life in the ways it used to, and that if you take your diagnosis seriously that you can live a very long and healthy life.
I just want to write but I guess I will never know if people will like what I have to say or not. I guess I shouldn't worry about other people and what they want to hear or read. I should write what makes me feel a sense of release, and write what my truth is. That way, if someone likes it it's an extra bonus on top of the original satisfaction I have from simply expressing what I think or feel. If people dislike it, then oh well. Not everyone is going to like everything, that's just the way the world is. I just want to leave something of myself for future generations to have. And what better way to leave a legacy than to write about your life and tell the world exactly what you thought while you were here. Maybe my thoughts and words will spark a few minds, or maybe it will just be a way to chronicle history for future generations. Either way, I just wanna write. One day the fear will go away.
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