Today I got a message from one of my cousins that my Daddy was in ICU. I didn't know what to think then and I don't know what to think now. I've been to visit, and got to see my sisters and a few of my nieces and nephews while at the hospital. My Daddy and I have not always had the most loving and respectful of relationships, but as time has passed and we've both grown older, we have a new type of love and respect for one another that seems to work well.
Seeing him laying there weak and tired, really messed with me. But isn't this a part of life? Everyone we love will some day pass on, whether we're alive to witness it or not. My Daddy has been sick for quite a while now, but this is the first time he's unexpectedly been hospitalized and it's an unnerving situation to deal with.
There's nothing that I want or need to say to him that I've left unsaid. Every time we see one another we embrace and I always tell him that I love him. Years ago, that wouldn't have been our reality. But now, I really can't imagine my life without him in it.
My Daddy was in prison or just away for many of my childhood years, and his uncle, my Uncle Buster, raised me along with his wife my Aunt Bertha. I'm blessed because I have had two sets of parents who have poured love all over and inside of me. We lost Uncle Buster over 20 years ago, and I'm just now getting to the point where I can talk about that without getting emotional. I'm just not ready to lose my father right now. I'm not done with him yet. There's so much in this world that I don't know about, mostly because I didn't want to listen when I was being taught. And I don't know how much more he can teach me in the physical state that he's in, but I'm willing to listen and just be a son for however long I have left with him.
I'm lucky that I even know my father. I've met people in my life who never knew their fathers, or met them well into adulthood. I've always know who my Daddy was and I've grown to understand that I'm more like him than he or I likes to even admit. We are both stubborn, smart, and hard to get along with because we like things our way.
I love my Daddy. I carry his name and his face. We cross our legs the same. We're both survivors of things that would have killed others without a fight. I don't know if I want to pray to the Ancestors for his healing or for him to be at peace. Is it selfish to want him here with me even if he doesn't have the same quality of life he once had? I'd never pray for his death, but I know that when someone's time comes, there's nothing a prayer can do. So instead of praying for a certain outcome, I'll just ask for understanding and the courage to be the man my family needs. I've got to be strong for my family, for my sisters, and for my family.
I really hope he makes a great recovery and the rest of his life can be happy and full of love. But if that's not the case, I just ask the Universe to allow me to accept whatever happens to my father. Maybe I'll write more when I feel the desire to do so, but as of now I'm just in limbo. I don't know what to think or do, other than tell him I love him and let him know I'm there.