And being HIV positive makes it even harder because I have to overcome the thought that people are gonna assume that I got what I deserved, or that it was bound to happen because I was being a freak or a hoe, etc. But what I know is that there are a lot of HIV negative freaks and hoes and the only reason they are is from luck. Not because they are more well-behaved. Not because they were better at choosing a partner. Not for any reason other than pure luck.
Being married, that's been a challenge. You'd think as a gay man, married to another man, I'd be able to open up and share my sexual interests and desires freely, without judgment. And I'm sure that if I were to share those things with him, he'd still love me. But that's just something I've not been able to fully believe or accept. We've had our own issues with my infidelity, and I can't blame that on anything or anyone but myself. I've made decisions to be dishonest and those things have often come back to bite me in the ass. And I understand it's not the sex that creates the problem, it's the deceit, the lies, the sneaking around and the lack of inclusion that bothers him, and would bother anyone. But for some reason, I just haven't tried to take the other path and just be upfront about what I want or like or what I feel. It couldn't possibly be any worse than what we've been through already.
And these apps... Jack'd and Adam. They don't make it any worse. It's like sex, at the touch of a finger. Literally, it makes being a hoe simple. Well, not exactly simple, but accessible. It's a shame that as gay men we've resorted to using apps as a way to hook up, but that's the reality we live in. Guys post pics, fill in their profile, and either go hunting for something or wait around for someone to approach and contact them. I guess I'd be the latter of the two types. I don't really go seeking anyone or anything, but I've definitely been guilty of entertaining more than enough of my share of flirts and inquiries into my profile, interests, etc.
Should I feel ashamed? Or bad? Or is this just part of what it is to be human? I don't know. My mother's religion would lead me to believe that I'm a sinner for simply having thoughts or feelings of attraction to men in general. Society doesn't necessarily label me as an abomination, but I'd be looked at sideways by many if I were to tell folks that I've not been completely faithful in my marriage, because you know marriage is so sacred and holy in America. (Sarcasm) Am I wrong or crazy for looking at love and sex as two different things, not often exclusive of one another but that can exist independently of the other? Nobody has answers for that.
Having to live this type of journey and learn as I go is not easy. I have friends who don't care that I'm gay, they love me regardless of my sexual preference. But it's still not something I'm comfortable with talking to them about, even if I think it might bring me a better understanding of how men deal with sex. I have straight boys who claim to run through girls like we were still in high school or college, but I still hesitate to even mention my sex life to them. I have just convinced myself that that part of my life is off limits. And in doing so, I've probably created a bad situation for myself where I'm behaving in a way that I don't fully understand, but I'm also cutting off any chance of figuring out what I can do, if anything, to gain better understanding of it, and change it if that's what I want to do. I know I have other options, professional options, as well. But. If I go to counseling, can I bring this shit up? Is this White woman gonna look at me crazy, and what for? Is it the gay thing, or the raw sex thing, or the drugs thing or the kinky stuff? See, I keep saying kinky stuff because I don't even wanna write the words.
There are certain things I watch in terms of porn that I've never done in person. Some things I wouldn't really want to do in person but simply find it a turn on to see others engaging in that kind of activity. I have a foot fetish. I like guys who are what we'd call "thick". I like a lot of verbal back and forth during sex. I enjoy pleasuring myself more than I probably would enjoy being with another actual person. (Other than Mr.) I don't really like White men personally, but I find that I'm turned out by their porn, mostly because they're the ones who typically use the slings, dress in leather, use toys, and engage in the more raunchy type of sexual acts. Some of them are a bit way out in left field for me, and even though I'd never want to do it myself, I find myself fascinated by those who do, and enjoy it. Maybe I'm thinking too much about it, because after all it's only pleasure. It can be reality or fantasy, but we're not making law here, it's just sex.
And technology doesn't really help. Now, you don't have to be in front of your computer to be exposed to or tempted by sex, it's on our phones, on tv, everywhere! Now, I have a Tumblr and I subscribe or follow a few blogs that are sexual in nature. Some of them just feature pics of beautifully sculpted men, some with muscles, others with curves (which I like). There are clips of sex, masturbation, and even some fetishes that would make some of you squirm or look away. Something i didn't expect though, was the amount of sexually tempting material that is on Instagram. Not even just the pics that the muscle boys take while they're supposed to be working in the gym, but it's mainly the wannabe models who bare it all for likes from strangers. I really had no idea that people go so hard and do so much just to be in the sex scene, or to be models and strippers. Don't get me wrong, I did my own little stint in the adult industry, but that was mostly out of curiosity. And maybe that's how I know I'm more of a spectator than someone who's gonna be involved in the industry, but it still amazes me how many folks see that as a career choice and not just a hobby or something they are interested in.
Maybe I'm still figuring out what I like? Maybe I like too damn much. Maybe this is what folk have been referring to as "getting it out of your system". Or maybe this is just me. Maybe this is just how I' wired to feel and react to certain stimuli. Nobody knows but me, and shit, I don't even know because if I did I wouldn't be writing this.