Skip to main content

Tired...

I feel stupid. Like I am to blame for my own unhappiness because I have allowed someone to come into my home who doesn’t respect my way of life, or the fact that we come from different stations so we see the world entirely different. I am mad, not just at myself though, but at my husband for seemingly wanting money over me. I understand tho, because everyone should work and pay bills and do that all their life just to stay above broke. That’s what we’ve been told and anyone who doesn’t follow that design is a bad person, or stupid, or not worthy of respect or even listening to. That’s how I feel. I feel that because I’m not perfect, then I’m fair game for people to say mean things to me and discredit the good that I’ve done in my life, above and beyond anything they could have even imagined for themselves. I’m pissed.
I’ve considered suicide today, again. I’ve considered taking the dog and slitting his throat. I’ve considered burning the townhouse to the ground (in the snow). I’ve considered packing a bag and going home, and even going the psych ward…again. But none of these things will solve my problem of feeling unimportant, disrespected, unloved, and unworthy in my own home. How is it that people forget so quickly those who have helped them when nobody else has? How can someone who is one check away from homelessness have such mean things to say about someone who hasn’t worked in years but still lives like a King? What should I feel bad about having parents who loved me enough to teach me how to speak and write and clean a home? Why should I feel bad that I actually accomplished the goal of earning a degree, even if I don’t work that doesn’t make that achievement any less impressive, or important? I mean, I can list my degree on a resume, can you list that ballroom shit you do?
See, my problem is other people. My problem is that I would rather be left alone but folks force themselves into my space then get mad when I’m not the person they wanted or expected me to be. I know that I need to simply ignore them or just laugh it off, but it’s never been that easy for me. It’s not that I want people to LIKE me, but I do want people to be fair and to treat me the same way they’d want to be treated. You can’t call me broke and expect me not to take back the shit my broke ass gave to you, or bring up the fact that you borrow my watch, not even to work, but to go out to the club where you are apparently conducting interviews for your next abuser, excuse me, I meant boyfriend. And while on the subject, do any of the men you share your bed with have their own place? Because you’re so quick to threaten to move out but you haven’t show us where you even know people who have the resources to support you.
Anyway, I really don’t care anymore. I’ve stopped taking my HIV meds and my psych meds. I ain’t been to a doctor in months and I won’t be going back anytime soon. I’ve lost my faith in pretty much everything and the only way I will believe there is a God is when and if I see him when I’m dead and on the other side myself. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and I just really want pe

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Just tired of living...

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.

I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm …

Living At Home...

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow.

Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't m…

The Good Witch of the South, A Beautiful Black Glinda!

I'm not trying to weigh in on the reviews about The Wiz Live. I really don't care about what folks thought about the adaptations to the story or the way it was produced, etc. Everyone in it was pretty damn good, the costumes were amazing, and once again Black people have shown the world that we can take things that might be old and outdated and bring them back to life. The idea that an entirely new generation of Black children now have something they will beg their parents to let them watch and re-watch, like I did with The Wiz of the 70's, makes my world a little bit better place. 





For ME, the most memorable moment was when Glinda, The Good Witch of the South, descended from the sky in a golden glowing gown. Accompanied by two acrobatic beauties, also gilded in gold on each side of her, my girl Uzoamaka Nwanneka "Uzo" Aduba looked more like an African queen than a witch at all. Her hair was black and braided, and her curves were obvious and featured without apolo…