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I feel stupid. Like I am to blame for my own unhappiness because I have allowed someone to come into my home who doesn’t respect my way of life, or the fact that we come from different stations so we see the world entirely different. I am mad, not just at myself though, but at my husband for seemingly wanting money over me. I understand tho, because everyone should work and pay bills and do that all their life just to stay above broke. That’s what we’ve been told and anyone who doesn’t follow that design is a bad person, or stupid, or not worthy of respect or even listening to. That’s how I feel. I feel that because I’m not perfect, then I’m fair game for people to say mean things to me and discredit the good that I’ve done in my life, above and beyond anything they could have even imagined for themselves. I’m pissed.
I’ve considered suicide today, again. I’ve considered taking the dog and slitting his throat. I’ve considered burning the townhouse to the ground (in the snow). I’ve considered packing a bag and going home, and even going the psych ward…again. But none of these things will solve my problem of feeling unimportant, disrespected, unloved, and unworthy in my own home. How is it that people forget so quickly those who have helped them when nobody else has? How can someone who is one check away from homelessness have such mean things to say about someone who hasn’t worked in years but still lives like a King? What should I feel bad about having parents who loved me enough to teach me how to speak and write and clean a home? Why should I feel bad that I actually accomplished the goal of earning a degree, even if I don’t work that doesn’t make that achievement any less impressive, or important? I mean, I can list my degree on a resume, can you list that ballroom shit you do?
See, my problem is other people. My problem is that I would rather be left alone but folks force themselves into my space then get mad when I’m not the person they wanted or expected me to be. I know that I need to simply ignore them or just laugh it off, but it’s never been that easy for me. It’s not that I want people to LIKE me, but I do want people to be fair and to treat me the same way they’d want to be treated. You can’t call me broke and expect me not to take back the shit my broke ass gave to you, or bring up the fact that you borrow my watch, not even to work, but to go out to the club where you are apparently conducting interviews for your next abuser, excuse me, I meant boyfriend. And while on the subject, do any of the men you share your bed with have their own place? Because you’re so quick to threaten to move out but you haven’t show us where you even know people who have the resources to support you.
Anyway, I really don’t care anymore. I’ve stopped taking my HIV meds and my psych meds. I ain’t been to a doctor in months and I won’t be going back anytime soon. I’ve lost my faith in pretty much everything and the only way I will believe there is a God is when and if I see him when I’m dead and on the other side myself. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and I just really want pe


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…