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5 more days?

Yeah, they want me to do 5 more days over this bitch!  I'm pissed, but I'm also still confused about whether or not to even try to fight this. The lawyer I had was a piece of shit, not prepared, not even acting as if he wanted to try to help me in the case at all.  I appealed the decision, and he doesn't even agree with that. It all makes no real sense to me in the first place because in my mind I already served time for what I said to that bitch, but she feels very strongly about it obviously and I'm sure that if it were up to her I'd be locked away forever all over a fucking text and phone call.

I know I should forgive and move on, but this shit bothers me deeply.  To know that I live in a world where a woman can cut a man down with words all day long but never have to answer to it legally, makes me sick to my stomach. And to know that a woman can act like a bitch but can't be called out on her behavior makes me even sicker.  This world is fucked up with double standards.

And people still expect me to try?  Why? How? And try what exactly?  How many times can I apply for jobs only to be told I'm not good enough to work because of my record?  How many times can I be told to stop living in my past only for those I'm talking to to bring it up and use it against me?

Well, I honestly don't know what to do or what direction to go in any longer.  Yeah, I want to live, but not like this.  Yeah, I want to create a wonderful life with my husband, but I feel as if all the tools I had to make that happen have been taken away from me.  What kinda job will I be able to get to help contribute?  Who would hire someone like me to work, even though I might be better, smarter, faster, or even more well-spoken than some current employees may have.

It fucks me up mentally. It hurts me emotionally. It makes me tired and exhausted physically as well.  I'm too tired to keep up with the pills I should be taking.  I don't really care to continue going to counselors only for them to tell me nothing is wrong with me when I know damn well almost everything is wrong with me.  I'm tired of being held to a certain standard of conduct and decorum when professionals I encounter have no clue about how to be a real professional.  Showing up early only to wait around for someone who's late is not my idea of a professional encounter, and I don't care how sick or fucked up in the head I am, I don't wait around to see anyone. Point blank.

So where does this leave me?  Right now, I'm just existing.  I don't feel like I have any real purpose in life or any real direction.  I have a few people that I know love me. But I don't truly feel as if they LIKE me. There's a big difference in the two.  I feel like I'm a waste of intelligence.  I feel like I'm a burden and a failure to those closest to me as well.  I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do well have no value or meaning in my life.  Simply put, I don't feel like I have much of a reason to live anymore.  But, killing myself isn't something I feel like I can do either.  I definitely don't want to go to hell, but I also don't want to be stuck here on earth with no outlook on the future or even the next day or week really.


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