Skip to main content

Oh, you feel me?

"I feel you."


I'm so sick of hearing that.  No, nigga. You don't feel me. You don't feel anything about my situation or my life because you're not living it.  There's no way you can feel me if you're enjoying the benefit of being able to bring home your own income or paying your own bills on time with your money.  If you are doing that, then you don't know how I feel.

Right now, I feel like shit. Not being able to do anything for myself other than sit here and apply over and over for jobs and programs that I have convinced myself I'm not good enough to get.  It's a bitch living in a world where you truly don't feel you belong anywhere other than behind bars or in a mental institution.  And even if they were to lock me in jail, the bad part is that I've never done anything that would allow them to lock me up for life, but as soon as I'm back out I'm subject to being perpetually punished for my mistakes throughout the rest of my life.  So, in some way, I feel like I'm imprisoned forever for something that only took minutes from beginning to end.

I really hate asking folk for money, because I know they all have their own lives to lead and none of those lives include me as a dependent.  But, that's what I'm left with. Either that, or just sit here day in and day out doing nothing more than watching tv, which by the way is not as interesting as it used to be.

Yeah, I want to work. And I'm sure folk probably think that I'm just lazy and haven't been looking. Well, that's not the case. Even though I feel stupid applying places like McDonald's and KFC, I've done it because I know that's all I have left.  I know my college education means nothing now t hat I've found myself as a convicted felon, but it's hard to go someplace and pretend as if I'm less educated than I am.  My most recent application was with Dollar General. I had to lie on it and say I only had a high school diploma and that my last job was at an elementary school as a janitor.  I've never worked as a janitor or custodian a day in my life, but I felt that saying that would give me a better chance of getting a customer service job there than saying that I'd gone to and graduated college with a degree in history.  It's sad, but I feel like having experience mopping floors and cleaning bathrooms and toilets is more useful to the work world than having someone who has earned a degree.  They simply don't see the value in hiring an independent thinker and someone who has proven that they can follow through and finish a task.

Some folk will probably take this as complaining, and that's fine.  This blog is completely voluntary so if you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it.  But, to those folk I'd like to say "GET A FUCKING LIFE."  If I feel like complaining I'll do just that. Shit, it's not like I have someone to talk to to get these things off my chest without burdening someone else who has more responsibility with my ignorant and unimportant issues.

I've considered going back into therapy, but right now I feel like it would be such a waste of time that it would only cause me more pain and stress than it would relieve me from. So for now, I'll try to continue dealing with depression and suicide in the way that I know how....which really ins't any coping at all, I just hope to wake up the next day with the problems I have and hope they don't lead me to kill myself over them.

I know that everyone has their own stuff going on, but I honestly feel that if that's truly how the world works then what am I sitting here cultivating relationships for with people who either will never have the time to even say hello or simply don't care.  I'm sure either way it is, they will never be truthful enough to tell me how they feel. So I'll continue accepting the kind words and the messages from the brothers saying "I feel you" when I know for certain that they have no clue to feel me in any way, shape or form.

Alright, I'm done ranting and raving for the moment. Hope everyone reading this has a better evening and a better life than I do. Take care.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Just tired of living...

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.

I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm …

Living At Home...

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow.

Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't m…

The Good Witch of the South, A Beautiful Black Glinda!

I'm not trying to weigh in on the reviews about The Wiz Live. I really don't care about what folks thought about the adaptations to the story or the way it was produced, etc. Everyone in it was pretty damn good, the costumes were amazing, and once again Black people have shown the world that we can take things that might be old and outdated and bring them back to life. The idea that an entirely new generation of Black children now have something they will beg their parents to let them watch and re-watch, like I did with The Wiz of the 70's, makes my world a little bit better place. 





For ME, the most memorable moment was when Glinda, The Good Witch of the South, descended from the sky in a golden glowing gown. Accompanied by two acrobatic beauties, also gilded in gold on each side of her, my girl Uzoamaka Nwanneka "Uzo" Aduba looked more like an African queen than a witch at all. Her hair was black and braided, and her curves were obvious and featured without apolo…