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Oh, you feel me?

"I feel you."

I'm so sick of hearing that.  No, nigga. You don't feel me. You don't feel anything about my situation or my life because you're not living it.  There's no way you can feel me if you're enjoying the benefit of being able to bring home your own income or paying your own bills on time with your money.  If you are doing that, then you don't know how I feel.

Right now, I feel like shit. Not being able to do anything for myself other than sit here and apply over and over for jobs and programs that I have convinced myself I'm not good enough to get.  It's a bitch living in a world where you truly don't feel you belong anywhere other than behind bars or in a mental institution.  And even if they were to lock me in jail, the bad part is that I've never done anything that would allow them to lock me up for life, but as soon as I'm back out I'm subject to being perpetually punished for my mistakes throughout the rest of my life.  So, in some way, I feel like I'm imprisoned forever for something that only took minutes from beginning to end.

I really hate asking folk for money, because I know they all have their own lives to lead and none of those lives include me as a dependent.  But, that's what I'm left with. Either that, or just sit here day in and day out doing nothing more than watching tv, which by the way is not as interesting as it used to be.

Yeah, I want to work. And I'm sure folk probably think that I'm just lazy and haven't been looking. Well, that's not the case. Even though I feel stupid applying places like McDonald's and KFC, I've done it because I know that's all I have left.  I know my college education means nothing now t hat I've found myself as a convicted felon, but it's hard to go someplace and pretend as if I'm less educated than I am.  My most recent application was with Dollar General. I had to lie on it and say I only had a high school diploma and that my last job was at an elementary school as a janitor.  I've never worked as a janitor or custodian a day in my life, but I felt that saying that would give me a better chance of getting a customer service job there than saying that I'd gone to and graduated college with a degree in history.  It's sad, but I feel like having experience mopping floors and cleaning bathrooms and toilets is more useful to the work world than having someone who has earned a degree.  They simply don't see the value in hiring an independent thinker and someone who has proven that they can follow through and finish a task.

Some folk will probably take this as complaining, and that's fine.  This blog is completely voluntary so if you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it.  But, to those folk I'd like to say "GET A FUCKING LIFE."  If I feel like complaining I'll do just that. Shit, it's not like I have someone to talk to to get these things off my chest without burdening someone else who has more responsibility with my ignorant and unimportant issues.

I've considered going back into therapy, but right now I feel like it would be such a waste of time that it would only cause me more pain and stress than it would relieve me from. So for now, I'll try to continue dealing with depression and suicide in the way that I know how....which really ins't any coping at all, I just hope to wake up the next day with the problems I have and hope they don't lead me to kill myself over them.

I know that everyone has their own stuff going on, but I honestly feel that if that's truly how the world works then what am I sitting here cultivating relationships for with people who either will never have the time to even say hello or simply don't care.  I'm sure either way it is, they will never be truthful enough to tell me how they feel. So I'll continue accepting the kind words and the messages from the brothers saying "I feel you" when I know for certain that they have no clue to feel me in any way, shape or form.

Alright, I'm done ranting and raving for the moment. Hope everyone reading this has a better evening and a better life than I do. Take care.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
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Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…