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My mornings are so boring.

Every morning I wake up when my boyfriend leaves for work. I have a few responsibilities that keep me busy: taking out the dog, watering the plants and cleaning up whatever mess we left the house in before we went to bed.  Sounds like a lot, but it really is not.  After about 30 minutes, I'm sitting in front of the television or on the laptop bored out of my mind, looking for something to do to keep me occupied and productive. Most times, I fail at that though.

Our dog, "Darknis" gets to drink from a proper bowl when he's outside. This is called "too much time on my hans."

I've been looking for work, a job that's not too serious, but something that I can at least go to and feel like I'm doing something somewhere.  I've been looking for volunteer positions, but I've found that they are even more difficult to come across, especially for someone like me who has a criminal history.  And sitting at home day after day watching uneducated and unqualified people go to jobs that they may or may not love, really makes me more and more depressed as the days go on.

In a few days I'll be 31.  Last year around this time I prayed to God for a job because I didn't want to hit the big 3-0 without having a job. Back then, He answered and I had a job for my birthday. Granted, it wasn't fancy or professional, but it was a way for me to make money and not be made to feel like a failure while working.  Oh, how I wish I could still have that job. I left that job for one that I thought would have been more professional and a better match for someone with my education, goals and experience. Oh, how I was wrong. That ended up being one of the worst experiences of my life and something that haunts me to this very day.

What do I want my days to look like?  I have no idea honestly.  I know I'd like to have something to do, but what would that something be if I had my choice.  I'd still want to be able to send my boyfriend off to work every morning with a kiss...that's just what we've grown used to over the years.  I'd really like to be able to own my own business or work for myself in some kind of way. I've tried to develop my resume-writing and editing business, but I haven't had many people needing or wanting resumes done.  I've tried to focus on writing and maybe building an audience from my blog, and even though I have no way how that's going, it's sure as hell not bringing me any money in at this point.

Right now, all I can do is continue to have some kind of hope that things will turn around for me.  A normal person would tell me to pray and have faith, but since I'm not the most spiritual person, I have to give those things to the Universe and allow the energy I put out to return to me in a positive manner.  There are so many things I know I can do, but I feel held back because of the mistakes I've made, and simply because of the type of person I am... A BLACK MAN.  I've gone to college, graduated, worked and tried my best to be part of the society we live in, but it just simply has not worked out that way.

Maybe something will happen in time that will give me a little more direction and a little more understanding about why I'm here and what it is that I'm meant to do.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…