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Today's depression...

Today, I find myself a little depressed. Not for any particular reason, or because something has changed from yesterday to today. I'm depressed because I've been thinking about my life and I'm wondering if I will ever truly be happy. I'm wondering if I will ever be successful and have the things that will make my life more pleasant than just surviving as I am now.

I have been out of work for about two years now. And right now, even though I should be sending out resumes and filling out applications, I'm paralyzed by fear of rejection.  As a convicted felon, it doesn't make me at ease to think about the people who will say no to me getting a job just because of my past. It makes me mad on one hand, and on the other hand it makes me feel like shit because I'm only in this position because of my own actions. But I'm not perfect, and there's nothing I can do to change the situation at the moment, especially as long as I'm at the mercy of others when it comes to getting a job.

I've still been doing my resume thing, making a little money here and there. But it's not consistent at all. I want to do some more marketing and advertising, but I don't even have the money to expand my reach when it comes to my own business.

I see my friends, none of whom are more intelligent or talented as I am, working, traveling, and enjoying life. And I am stuck here, at home, in this room, hoping and praying for a chance to just get out of the house and maybe take a walk down by the river. I don't want a lot in life, just some simple pleasures. I wanna be able to buy things when I find that I like them. I want to be able to buy food when something wets my appetite. I want to be able to send the man I love a bottle of Whiskey when I want to do something nice for him. But I can't do any of that, at least not after my money has run out a week or two after getting it.

$618 is not a lot of money. That's what I have to make my life work month to month. True, I don't have a lot of expenses, but after I pay what I have to pay, I'm left with a little over $300. It's crazy to think that anyone can make that last an entire month. That's literally $10 a day.

Maybe I just need to keep trying. Maybe I just need to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. Maybe I need to pray or something. I don't really know... I just know that things need to change. How they're going to change, I have no idea. But I hope the changes are for the better, not for worse.

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