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Borderline Personality Disorder

So, a few weeks ago I was told that I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, it's taken a while for me to fully comprehend what that means for me, and honestly I'm still trying to get a good grasp of what it will mean for my life. After being diagnosed with Bipolar, I thought that was it. I thought that I would just deal with that and move on with life, continue counseling, get a job someplace, and just get back to being as normal as possible. But now, I'm not so sure being normal is going to be an option for me at all.

BPD is a very tricky disorder to diagnose, and even harder to handle for the person who is affected by it. It has similar mood swings to bipolar, but instead of taking two weeks to get out of one mood to another, often times BPD causes those same mood swings within one day, or even within the span of a couple of hours. On top of the moods, it causes a crisis of identity for the person who suffers from it, as well as difficulty in maintaining friendships or relationships.

For me, this has really made me think back on my past and wonder how much of the things I've been in trouble for have been due to my BDP. I am not trying to find something or someone to blame for my past, because it's all on me and nobody else, but in order to understand it fully and not repeat the same mistakes as before, I have to know what has caused me to act in the ways I've acted before. I have to understand why certain things trigger me and how I can better respond to them in a way that won't have me again holding the short end of the stick.

I still attend counseling, once a week now. And I also go to a group focused on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I want to say that they're working, but in reality I find myself wondering why I am in the group at times, because the conversations often get off topic and I feel like I'm not getting the type of help I really need in that situation. I hate to come across as elitist, but sometimes I feel like everything people put me in is so low level when it comes to intelligence, that it's hard for me to take it seriously or feel like I'm going to be able to speak about my experiences without someone else having a problem fully understanding where I'm coming from.

There are some days where I just want to work. Just to have a job that I can make my own money at would be something that could lift me up and make me feel a bit more confident. But, that's not the reality in which I live. Right now, my life is counseling, group and medication. I'm not happy about it at all, but what more can a guy do? There are times where I feel that my life is always and forever going to be me just going to meetings and appointments, and that makes me sad. But I have to find faith in something, someone, somewhere, that gives me the type of strength I need in order to make it through to whatever the other side might be.

I look at the lives of my friends and I see excitement, travel, happiness, laughter. I look at my life and I just see empty space. I don't feel like I'm living my life fully and I don't understand just how I'm supposed to take nothing and make something out of it. It really just puzzles me at every level.

Even having applied for disability, I feel like it's just another thing to jerk me around and give me false hope that there might be some help out there for me. If I can't work and don't have a mind that's normal, then what's the wait with giving me disability so I can eat and pay rent and do the things that people will easily say that we are all responsible for.

I don't know if I'm upset or depressed or just sick and tired of feeling stuck in this situation without any known way out. I don't know if I'm still too hard on myself or if I've given up on trying to create the life I thought I'd have when I was in school. I don't know if my degree is ever going to be put to good use and I don't know whether or not I even care anymore about it. There's really nothing more I can do other than continuing with counseling and trying to participate in group, even if I feel like it's well below my level of intelligence when I'm in there listening to these peoples' crazy and sometimes unrelated stories. I just don't know.

I really just want a quick fix. I want someone to either prescribe me something or give me some information about myself that I can use to make myself better. I know there's something wrong with me, but I refuse to accept the fact that I'm so much worse off than some of these crazy ignorant people I see in stores every day. They work, why can't I? What makes my situation so unique that I'm taken out of the workforce and made to be a bum who is solely dependent on others for every single thing I need or want in life.

I have a lot of support, but I find that sometimes they aren't available to give me the type of support I need, or they simply don't know what to do or say in order to help. At times, I feel like a burden and those who are willing to help, I'm not willing to accept the help they want to give. And that in itself is crazy as shit. I guess I just worry that at some point those people who claim to love and care for me will get fed up, like everyone does at some point in life, and they'll stop fucking with me. That's one of my biggest fears and there's nothing or no one that can make me feel more at ease about it at all. I Just want some type of assurance, that if I put in all this work to make myself better, I won't be left by myself, all alone, to face a world that I'm completely unfamiliar with and unprepared to face on my own.


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"Better You Than Me"

"Better You Than Me"

Maybe you can help me better understand
Why you act like a little boy and not a grown ass man
You try to run the TV, all day stuck on BOUNCE
And you're a fiend for the coffee, always begging for an ounce
You've claimed more than once all you do is "get money"
But I see you in here with nothing, so something is funny
At the top of your lungs you holler and yell
But make an excuse for your behavior, saying "This is jail."
You've got 6 kids, and 4 baby mamas
But you beg me for a click so you can call and cause drama.
You claim to be hard, snatching ass every day
But you expect me to be polite in all that I say
You're on your way back to prison and it's so sad to see
But I'd rather it be you going up the road than me.