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Focus

I've thought a lot about what I should be using this platform for, or what cause I should be championing. Often times I have told myself that I should just write about me, my story, in the hopes that it might help someone like me. But I've shot that down numerous times because of my own ego, or insecurities, or whatever the moments' vice might happen to be. Now though, I think I'm ready to bare it all, even more than I'm typically known for doing.

Bipolar disorder has changed my life. Even though I've probably suffered from it long before my diagnosis, the fact of knowing it has me contemplating my life and trying to see things in a different way. Dealing with mood swings that last weeks at a time and balancing emotions and rational thinking at any given moment can be challenging. But this is my life. This is what I have to work with and nobody but me has the obligation to make my life worth living but myself.

Taking things day to day might seem a simple task to some, but for me it's no easier than planning out a week or month ahead. I'm always worrying myself with thoughts of the next moment, minute, hour... And even though I have  household chores that always need to be done, I find myself bored out of my mind and seeking some type of companionship or entertainment other than the television.

I find myself allowing my mind to wander back into the space where I'm good enough to think about working every now and then. I think about applying for jobs, and sometimes even have the courage to actually send out a resume. I still hesitate at applications, paper or online, because most of those have that dreaded box that asks about a criminal background. That still holds me hostage. I don't know if it's really me holding myself hostage or if my history has truly been something that has made doors close for me. But either way, no matter what the reason for my situation being what it is, I can't go back and shouldn't continue looking back, either.

I have a lot of support, even though a majority of them are not here in the city where I live. I know I can call, text, Facebook Message, Tweet, or do whatever means of communication needed to get in contact with someone when I need to talk, vent, or just hear another person's voice. My husband is still my rock, and without him in my life I know things would be vastly different. He is my biggest cheerleader and does things for me that I wouldn't think to do for myself. My family is still my foundation, and as it grows bigger so does it's influence on me.

This is going to be a journey. I don't really know what it's going to hold in store for me but I have no choice but to face it head on and welcome it in it's entirety. Going back won't get me to the place I've dreamed for myself, and even though some things have not worked out the way I planned, I still have life to live and challenges to face. Who knows whether I might still make it to the same point, just from a different road.

Today was an alright day. It wasn't perfect, but I made it through. Every day won't be like today, but I still have to live them no matter what side of the good and bad spectrum they fall on. I just hope that as I go through these upcoming days, weeks, months and years, I can learn to control myself, my emotions, and thoughts. With the Ancestors watching and guiding me, I'm sure that will be no problem at all.

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"Better You Than Me"

"Better You Than Me"

Maybe you can help me better understand
Why you act like a little boy and not a grown ass man
You try to run the TV, all day stuck on BOUNCE
And you're a fiend for the coffee, always begging for an ounce
You've claimed more than once all you do is "get money"
But I see you in here with nothing, so something is funny
At the top of your lungs you holler and yell
But make an excuse for your behavior, saying "This is jail."
You've got 6 kids, and 4 baby mamas
But you beg me for a click so you can call and cause drama.
You claim to be hard, snatching ass every day
But you expect me to be polite in all that I say
You're on your way back to prison and it's so sad to see
But I'd rather it be you going up the road than me.