Skip to main content


I've thought a lot about what I should be using this platform for, or what cause I should be championing. Often times I have told myself that I should just write about me, my story, in the hopes that it might help someone like me. But I've shot that down numerous times because of my own ego, or insecurities, or whatever the moments' vice might happen to be. Now though, I think I'm ready to bare it all, even more than I'm typically known for doing.

Bipolar disorder has changed my life. Even though I've probably suffered from it long before my diagnosis, the fact of knowing it has me contemplating my life and trying to see things in a different way. Dealing with mood swings that last weeks at a time and balancing emotions and rational thinking at any given moment can be challenging. But this is my life. This is what I have to work with and nobody but me has the obligation to make my life worth living but myself.

Taking things day to day might seem a simple task to some, but for me it's no easier than planning out a week or month ahead. I'm always worrying myself with thoughts of the next moment, minute, hour... And even though I have  household chores that always need to be done, I find myself bored out of my mind and seeking some type of companionship or entertainment other than the television.

I find myself allowing my mind to wander back into the space where I'm good enough to think about working every now and then. I think about applying for jobs, and sometimes even have the courage to actually send out a resume. I still hesitate at applications, paper or online, because most of those have that dreaded box that asks about a criminal background. That still holds me hostage. I don't know if it's really me holding myself hostage or if my history has truly been something that has made doors close for me. But either way, no matter what the reason for my situation being what it is, I can't go back and shouldn't continue looking back, either.

I have a lot of support, even though a majority of them are not here in the city where I live. I know I can call, text, Facebook Message, Tweet, or do whatever means of communication needed to get in contact with someone when I need to talk, vent, or just hear another person's voice. My husband is still my rock, and without him in my life I know things would be vastly different. He is my biggest cheerleader and does things for me that I wouldn't think to do for myself. My family is still my foundation, and as it grows bigger so does it's influence on me.

This is going to be a journey. I don't really know what it's going to hold in store for me but I have no choice but to face it head on and welcome it in it's entirety. Going back won't get me to the place I've dreamed for myself, and even though some things have not worked out the way I planned, I still have life to live and challenges to face. Who knows whether I might still make it to the same point, just from a different road.

Today was an alright day. It wasn't perfect, but I made it through. Every day won't be like today, but I still have to live them no matter what side of the good and bad spectrum they fall on. I just hope that as I go through these upcoming days, weeks, months and years, I can learn to control myself, my emotions, and thoughts. With the Ancestors watching and guiding me, I'm sure that will be no problem at all.


Popular posts from this blog

Just tired of living...

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.

I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm …

Living At Home...

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow.

Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't m…

The Good Witch of the South, A Beautiful Black Glinda!

I'm not trying to weigh in on the reviews about The Wiz Live. I really don't care about what folks thought about the adaptations to the story or the way it was produced, etc. Everyone in it was pretty damn good, the costumes were amazing, and once again Black people have shown the world that we can take things that might be old and outdated and bring them back to life. The idea that an entirely new generation of Black children now have something they will beg their parents to let them watch and re-watch, like I did with The Wiz of the 70's, makes my world a little bit better place. 

For ME, the most memorable moment was when Glinda, The Good Witch of the South, descended from the sky in a golden glowing gown. Accompanied by two acrobatic beauties, also gilded in gold on each side of her, my girl Uzoamaka Nwanneka "Uzo" Aduba looked more like an African queen than a witch at all. Her hair was black and braided, and her curves were obvious and featured without apolo…