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This shit is getting to be too much. I go to counseing. I take my medication. Yet, I still feel like there's no hope for me and like I'm powerless over my life to change it for any better. People love telling me that things will get better, but I can't help but hear them as just folk who are repeating to me what some fool told to them previously. I doubt they truly believe it themselves, so it's extra hard for me to just believe in it because they said so. There's no evidence to support their point, and plenty of evidence to support my assertion that I'm never going to amount to anything.

Maybe those who speak badly about me are right. I'm nothing more than a felon, with a bad attitude, and some other issues that will never be fixed or overcome. Maybe they are right to pay no attention to the few things I've done well in life, and instead focus more on the things I've done badly or not well at all. Maybe I'm just going to die the same sorry bastard I was born into this world as.

They say it's the disease talking...maybe it is. But there's nothing else to give the disease a dissenting voice. There's nothing out there that makes me look at myself to say "Yes, Bennaire. You are a good person and you can do whatever you set your mind to." All I see are closed doors, people ready to say no, and opportunites that like to say they are open but they fail to say open to everyone except people like me. Imperfect people who have made mistakes but desperately want to change and get past them.

The world doesn't let you live anything down. There are no second chances. There's nothing out there for people like me. Even if I wanted to work hard and fight for what's right, it's always an uphill battle and people like me never win those. We die trying, but we never win.

This illness is taking my will to live. I've already giving up trying to fight HIV, is my mental health next? I don't really know. The only thing I know that's worse than me not knowing what I want to do, is the fact that I've stopped caring too.

I'm a bad person. People don't really like me, they just don't want to be the cause of me taking my life by telling me the truth.


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Can you believe that I still dream of getting high
Even after being here for 85 days
In my sleep I buy a dime, and roll up a blunt
And smoke and try to wake up still John Blazed
But it isn't just weed that my mind craves anymore
It's the process and the act of getting high
Because it gives me the chance, to leave reality behind
And just float, like a cloud up into the night sky
I'm a drug addict, and it's not easy to admit
But being real is my best shot at escaping death
I've smoked tons of weed, snorted likes of coke
But I fucked up when I shot up with meth
We've all heard this saying, at some point in our lives
"What's good to you ain't always good for you"
Well that shit felt too great, and I knew it was no good
Because it took days before my body recovered
I'm not proud of that shit, but I live in my truth
And maybe I can help someone else avoid it
Because depression is a lie, and when you think you've lost your mind
All that'…