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Where am I in my life?


I woke up today with an attitude. And sadly, that's all too common. Very rarely am I happy and thankful when I get up in the morning. Instead, most of all I think about is what's wrong with me and my life and what else am I going to be confronted with on this day. I know I shouldn't think like that or greet the day with that type of attitude, but that's my truth. It's not easy, but it's not fake either.

Lately, I've been dealing with my issues with my roommate. He's a good friend (as of today) and I really thought we would be able to get along well as roommates. I was wrong. I had no idea his lifestyle was so different than what I'd consider to be normal. I shouldn't say normal, because he's normal. His lifestyle is just not like mine or what I've put work into creating for Dewitt and I.

I can't help but worry as well that I might come off as arrogant or stuck up when I express my issues to him. I can't say he's a project kid, but his life growing up was very different than mine. I'm used to certain things, and it seems that those things to him are unimportant and not really the focus of his day to day routine. But, it's very hard for me to understand why cleanliness and order (in my eyes) is so hard for others to accept and try to support, especially in the places where they lay their head at night.

On top of that, finances just seem to be something I will never get a grasp on. No matter how many times I've tried to work and make my own, it always ends with me being fired or quitting and not having anything to show for any work I've put in. I know I need to keep pushing and fighting for what I know I deserve, but it's so hard to do that when there's not one example in my life of someone like me, educated but with a criminal past, making a success of himself with a career that is professional and respected. I'm 32...and I'm a stay at home husband. I'm 32 and even though I have a degree I've never held a real job for more than two years. Even at 32, I have nothing in my name other than my clothing and the few pieces of furniture that were given to me. I would love to be able to find a job that doesn't make me cry when I leave or that doesn't make me want to kill myself when I clock out. But, my experience tells me that's not going to ever happen.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself again like people have often told me. Or, maybe this is just the motivation that I have that keeps me going even when everything in my body and mind tells me to give up.What else am I supposed to do? Should I just stop having standards and be like the people I have grown to dislike and despise in my life? Or, should I keep following my heart and mind and do what I know will put me where I want to be and will give me the peace of mind that I seek? I really wish I had the answers and I wish I had people in my life who could help me find them. Unfortunately, there are only a handful of folk that I trust to talk to, and out of them there might be one at a time who is at a point in their life where they can help me with advice or a word of encouragement.

I guess this is just the hand I've been death in life. I don't like this shit at all, but there's not much else I can do about it. All I can do really, is to keep thinking before I react, and hope that the choices I make are good ones and that they aren't going to end me back in jail, depressed or another hospital psych ward. I just wanna be happy and I think being happy is going to make some folk upset. But, in life, we have to be about making ourselves happy first, before we can do for others. Right now, this is where I am and what I feel. Right or wrong, it's the truth.

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