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Does the world want me to be fake?

I know I have my own set of problems and issues.  I've come to the point where I can admit that to myself or others who inquire about them.  But, where I still find myself stuck is when folk expect me to be "positive" or to have some type of "confidence" in my future.  How can I be positive when I feel like shit?  But, I guess that's just how we do things in America, we fake it until we make it.  But, if I'm being fake as hell and really not expressing anything, who does that help?  Not me.

I've been a failure my entire life.  I've never done anything right.  Either I've taken too long finishing college, or I haven't had the right amount of patience and tolerance with a job that others felt I should have stuck with.  Time and time again I simply see myself in a bad light and I really don't know how to begin to change it or even if it can be changed.

I've been told that I'm too hard on myself.  I can understand what people mean when they say that, but I don't understand what I am supposed to do in order to not be that way.  I've been told that I think too much.  I understand what people mean when they say that, but I am at a loss when it comes to trying to put that into action and not think as much. Thinking is all I do.  I don't know how to live in this world and not think.  Part of what's gotten me in trouble before has been my inability to think before I speak, and now I'm being told not to think too much.

I'm told that I need to let my past stay where it is, but how is that possible when every time I try to go find a job my past is the exact thing that people use to determine whether or not I'm worthy of working to feed myself or to contribute to my own life.  Just being real, that shit hurts and it makes me feel like I'd be better off dead or simply gone away from society and judgment all together.

I feel like my boyfriend is destroying his life by trying to keep me around, and it hurts me to know that. He works so hard each and every day, but because I'm here it's almost as if everything he does means nothing because he's lost it all trying to take care of us both.  I know that he loves me, but I don't want him to love me to the point where he doesn't live the life he wants for himself.  I wouldn't want that for anyone.


Comments

  1. Dude, coming from someone who has failed quite a bit in life, don't give up on yourself. I am a black pilot. Took me nine years to get there, yet here I am. It's difficult finding yourself in this culture, but you must find what you like and what you want to do. No matter what it is.

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