Throwback Thursday

I came across this newspaper photo of me when I was going through a box of stuff that my ex brought me over Christmas. Even the reason I was in jail makes me laugh now because it was something stupid that could have been completely avoided if I'd have just kept my mouth shut and controlled my emotions. But in the moment, I felt I needed to say what was on my mind and that feeling ended up landing me in jail for a few days. It's crazy that cussing someone out over the phone would be considered a crime just like assault or violating a protective order. But that's our criminal justice system. You can tell how irritated I was from my face in the picture. I was completely irritated and just not feeling the whole process.

But that's old news. I'm glad I'm past that part of my life, feeling the need to speak out on every little thing that I feel wronged about. When things bother me or upset me now I just leave it alone. Not everything deserves a response and most times it's not even worthy of my attention. I'm in a much better place now and I'm grateful for that. But today was just an opportunity for me to take a look at my past and see how far I've come. The old Bennaire has been changed into a new guy who is trying really hard to make life the best it can be. I'm checking my attitude and I'm controlling my mouth. I'm not allowing other people to get me out of my box and I'm holding myself accountable for what I do and what I say. Hopefully there will be no more mugshots of me in the future, I've taken more than enough already.

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A Weekend Renewal

Shalom House, Montpelier, VA This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a "Transformation Retreat." It was a weekend getaway for persons infected with HIV, and part of a series of other retreats and programs by The Renewal Projects, an organization in Richmond, VA. The experience was amazing, unforgettable, life-changing, and any other word you could think of to describe a simply beautiful weekend. We didn't have a large group, which at first seemed to be a bit of a bummer. But, it turned out to be the thing that made the experience that much better for myself, and I hope for the rest of the people who attended. My room during the retreat There were no televisions or radios. Our rooms were simple. The only lights outside were those lining the sidewalk from the two cabins we stayed in down to the "Shalom House" where we had our group meetings and activities, as well as our meals. The food was great, too! We practiced meditation a...

It is what the fuck it is...

I often wonder what my dog thinks of me. Does he look at me and think how pitiful I am? Or does he see me as one of those people he just can't wait to jump up on and love all over? I hope it's the latter but I'll never truly know. People are different. I don't understand people as a whole. As individuals, I can get to know and love them. But, as a group - mankind - I can't fuck with it! I know... I'm crazy! I get it. I got it. But now what? What am I supposed to do? Trust my own judgment? I can't do that now, because I know that's not normal and hasn't been for quite a while. Or at least that's the message I get from the mirror the world hold's up to me. Yes. I'm angry. I know why, and at the same time I don't. I know why I think I'm angry. I know what makes me upset now. But, I would be lying if I said that I know what created such anger in me. I would be lying if I said I haven't known anger before any other real ...

The fight of my life!

Since I've been back home in Portsmouth I've been taking time to just relax and get back to being at peace with my life. I've been able to see old friends, hang out, eat well, and fill my days with lots of laughter, which is good for the soul I know. I've been able to visit familiar places and have been greeted my familiar loving faces as well. It's truly been a blessing that I've been able to take a break and come home to hit the reset button in my life, and even more blessed that I have a husband who supports me in that, even if he (like me) misses being together each and every day. Well, there are two issues that I know I have to face head on, and I have not gotten any more at ease about dealing with them since I've been home than I was when I was living in Richmond. I've been HIV positive since 2005, and most of the past 10 years have gone by without complication or incident. I've been on a medication regimen of one pill a day, and more recentl...

The Journal of an Angry Black Man

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