The Journal of an Angry Black Man

Yeah, they want me to do 5 more days over this bitch!  I'm pissed, but I'm also still confused about whether or not to even try to fight this. The lawyer I had was a piece of shit, not prepared, not even acting as if he wanted to try to help me in the case at all.  I appealed the decision, and he doesn't even agree with that. It all makes no real sense to me in the first place because in my mind I already served time for what I said to that bitch, but she feels very strongly about it obviously and I'm sure that if it were up to her I'd be locked away forever all over a fucking text and phone call. I know I should forgive and move on, but this shit bothers me deeply.  To know that I live in a world where a woman can cut a man down with words all day long but never have to answer to it legally, makes me sick to my stomach. And to know that a woman can act like a bitch but can't be called out on her behavior makes me even sicker.  This world is fucked up with dou...

I remember attending the Million Man March with my best friend Derek.  It was an experience that I will never forget and I often revert back to this photo to remind me of how many other brothers there are in my country who quite possibly feel the same way I do each and every day. It's for them that I continue to fight for what I know is right, and it's for them that I speak out against what's wrong.

I know I have my own set of problems and issues.  I've come to the point where I can admit that to myself or others who inquire about them.  But, where I still find myself stuck is when folk expect me to be "positive" or to have some type of "confidence" in my future.  How can I be positive when I feel like shit?  But, I guess that's just how we do things in America, we fake it until we make it.  But, if I'm being fake as hell and really not expressing anything, who does that help?  Not me. I've been a failure my entire life.  I've never done anything right.  Either I've taken too long finishing college, or I haven't had the right amount of patience and tolerance with a job that others felt I should have stuck with.  Time and time again I simply see myself in a bad light and I really don't know how to begin to change it or even if it can be changed. I've been told that I'm too hard on myself.  I can understand what people ...

The father tells his son, "I PROMISE you'll see me tomorrow." The father does not show up. The son's heart is filled with sorrow. The son's heart is deeply broken. That trust can't be replaced. The son will never.... ever  Want to see his father's face. The son will soon learn to hate the man To which "Daddy" was his name. Every time the man shows his face The son feels nothing but shame. "Honor thy mother and father" Should be something simple to do. But don't you think that fathers Should have to honor their sons too? Fathers should take time out And spend it with their boys. The should take them to football games, Not argue, fight and make noise. A boy shouldn't have to face Becoming a man all on his own. He should have someone to go to Or talk to on the phone. He shouldn't have to wonder About what he's going through. He shouldn't have to sit an...

Today is my 31st birthday.  And even though I felt that I wasn't going to welcome it as I have others ages along my journey, but the truth is I'm very happy. I'm happy to know that there are people out there who love me enough to remember and send me well wishes on today.  I'm happy to know that I haven't spent my whole life doing nothing, or wasting time. I might not be where I thought I'd be at this time when I was a kid, but I'm definitely not doing too bad either.  There are some things that I can improve on, but I think that anyone who lives another day, could say the same about themselves and their lives.  Things might not be perfect right now, but I have so much to live for and to look forward to. I just wanted to take a moment and thank God for showing me His grace and mercy in allowing me to see this day.  There could have been so many situations and so many times where my life could have been lost, but I'm here.  There could have been so m...

"You're so articulate." Whether you realize it or not, that's an insult.  What it means to me is that you don't expect much of people who look like I do. Basically, you think all other Black men are fools, or that we speak like runaways or hiphop minstrels?   I speak in the way my parents sent me to school to learn.  I don't mask my accent or words that I might use among my own people.  I speak how a gentleman should, despite the color of his skin.  The fact that I'm Black should never give you a free pass to assume that my language skills would be any less impressive than yours. I did not come here on a boat.  Neither did my parents, grandparents, or even great-grandparents.  We're all American-born.  I wouldn't call us Americans, simply because everything I've taught and learned has shown me that we're not treated as such. Even my own life's experiences have allowed me to see the subtle differences between my class an...

I've written before about my background and my experiences with the law, and most of my readers already know that I'm a convicted felon.  I try to stay informed on news that relates to felons' rights and how local, state and federal government is acting to address the problems of mass incarceration, recidivism, and the restoration of rights of persons who have completed their respective sentences.  Recently, I came across an article  in The Virginian Pilot about the city of Norfolk deciding to remove the question of a person's past criminal history from initial employment applications.  This has taken on the name of the Ban The Box Movement across the United States. Of course, I was happy to hear that step being taken by Norfolk, following my hometown of Portsmouth, VA, which removed that question from it's employment applications back in April.  The city of Richmond has also joined the Ban The Box movement , and they've taken the question off of their city em...

Every morning I wake up when my boyfriend leaves for work. I have a few responsibilities that keep me busy: taking out the dog, watering the plants and cleaning up whatever mess we left the house in before we went to bed.  Sounds like a lot, but it really is not.  After about 30 minutes, I'm sitting in front of the television or on the laptop bored out of my mind, looking for something to do to keep me occupied and productive. Most times, I fail at that though. Our dog, "Darknis" gets to drink from a proper bowl when he's outside. This is called "too much time on my hans." I've been looking for work, a job that's not too serious, but something that I can at least go to and feel like I'm doing something somewhere.  I've been looking for volunteer positions, but I've found that they are even more difficult to come across, especially for someone like me who has a criminal history.  And sitting at home day after day watching uneducate...

So, yesterday I got a small envelope from my Aunt Bert. Initially, I got excited because I thought it might be some cash because there was no reason for her to have sent such a small letter in the mail when we talk every other day anyway. But, when I opened it, I found a letter from my mom, Patricia, and it was not one bearing good news. I love my mother with all my heart. We have a lot in common, including our issues with addiction. My mother and father have both battled drug addiction and other legal problems related to that for many many years, my entire life to be exact.  I've never lived with them in the same household so it has never really presented itself as a serious problem for me, or at least I didn't allow it to look like it was to the people around me.  The truth is, yes, it hurt to have your parents locked up for any reason. Even if it's their fault, it still hurts.  Well, that hurt that I thought I'd left behind and wouldn't have to feel anymo...

How am I supposed to feel? I didn't know Trayvon or his family, but his life was no less important than if I would have.  For over a year, I have followed this trial in hopes that justice would come from a system being watched by the nation and the world.  But, in another disappointing decision by the court system, true justice has escaped us in lieu of twisted words and one-sided testimonies. My heart and soul cracked when I heard the words, "Not guilty" uttered by the clerk in that courtroom.  It shocked and sickened me all at the same time.  In my mind, I couldn't understand how anyone could not see what I and almost every other Black person was seeing.  I felt let down.  But, I also understood in that instant what it meant to be a Black man or a Brown boy in America. I can't say that my life today is really much better than the lives that my grandparents led when it comes to how race plays a part in how we are seen by the nation we called home. ...

I've been watching the Zimmerman/Martin murder trail since it began. At times it's been difficult to watch but it's been interesting either way the tide has seemed to flow in the case.  I am sure the nation and the world is still tuned in to the case and the upcoming verdict, but I hope we as a people have not forgotten how much attention we had to bring to the case for it to even be brought to charges and a trial.  I simply wanted to share a few images that I felt were powerful reminders of the kind of support we should still be showing to the family, and for the support of finding justice.

"I feel you." I'm so sick of hearing that.  No, nigga. You don't feel me. You don't feel anything about my situation or my life because you're not living it.  There's no way you can feel me if you're enjoying the benefit of being able to bring home your own income or paying your own bills on time with your money.  If you are doing that, then you don't know how I feel. Right now, I feel like shit. Not being able to do anything for myself other than sit here and apply over and over for jobs and programs that I have convinced myself I'm not good enough to get.  It's a bitch living in a world where you truly don't feel you belong anywhere other than behind bars or in a mental institution.  And even if they were to lock me in jail, the bad part is that I've never done anything that would allow them to lock me up for life, but as soon as I'm back out I'm subject to being perpetually punished for my mistakes throughout the r...

(This is a writing assignment my case manager gave me after one of our regular meetings. I know he's trying to challenge me on my perception of myself. I was hesitant to even participate but once I gave it a shot I saw how much I got out of it than I believed I would initially.) Well, the easiest answer to that is because Bennie and Patricia met, fell in love and had me. But, I’m sure there are plenty more reasons that answer the question why I’m STILL ALIVE.  Those, I believe, are more important… I’m alive because my birth mother and father loved me enough to allow someone else to give me the life they felt they wouldn’t be able to. I’m alive because I have an aunt and uncle who loved me enough to feed me and keep me healthy and happy. I’m alive because at some point I learned to love myself enough to do what I knew would keep me healthy and happy. I’m alive because at some point I began to love the things that life brings, the friends, experiences, road trips,...

How will I be remembered?  I often think about that in my days at home when my mind is allowed to wonder away from the bullshit I've found myself in lately. I went along with a guy who was taking stock photos in Hollywood Cemetery here in Richmond the other day.  As we walked and smoked, he took pictures and I would admire some of the really ornate headstones, obelisks, and memorials that were located in the historic cemetery.  It was a good break from always being in the house and brainwashing myself with CNN.  I was especially excited when I got to see some of the confederate graves and the grave site of Jefferson Davis, the former and only President of the Confederate States of America.  In my mind, "JD" (as his highway here in Richmond is affectionately called by locals) was a hero. He took a stand for something. Even though many people outside of the South did not quite appreciate or understand his position, he stood firm on what he felt was rig...

I've been in trouble all my life over the way I fly off and curse people our, call them out of their names, and even for making threats.  I never have any intention of hurting anyone or carrying out something I've said out of anger and pain, but I am guilty of having allowed my emotions to cloud my judgement at times. This past winter I had a job where I was the office assistant to a woman who was the executive director of a non-profit that had a mission towards improving adult literacy.  I was excited to get out of working overnight at the gas station out in the country, and I was happy to get my foot in the door at an organization that I could feel I played a professional role in supporting. Well, all of that came crashing down around me in less than 3 months.  From my viewpoint, my bosslady was very unorganized.  She, like many other Black professionals, play a role that they can't truly uphold in their personal lives.  She was a last-minute type of ...