Anyone who knows me or follows my blog knows that I have dealt with depression and mood swings that are not always be easiest things to cope with throughout my adult life. Today, I'm at a place where I can genuinely and sincerely say that I have been feeling happy a lot recently. Not much has changed in my situation. I'm still living at home. I'm still unemployed and on disability. I'm still single and not in any type of serious intimate relationship (at least not anything exclusive). But for some reason, I've been feeling happy. I don't know what has changed in my mental state, or if I'm just allowing myself to let go of all the negative and be content with what I have right now, but whatever it is that has me feeling a little more upbeat I'm definitely here for it.
I still spend a lot of time in my room, downloading "movies" and being on social media. Some might say that's unhealthy, but I get a lot of interaction from my friends and family though social media and the other things I use to pass the time aren't harmful even if they may not be the best and wisest choice of how to spend my days. I keep myself entertained and I try not to involve myself in things that may be harmful to me or my mental state of being.
My drug use hasn't changed much as far as frequency, if anything it's gone down. I have revisited an old habit of mine but I feel like I'm a little more conscious of what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with, so getting high isn't anything I feel like is putting me in danger of becoming worse off or making my life unmanageable. I understand that drugs alter our minds and sometimes even play with our emotions, but they also provide a release from reality that many people, including myself, often need. This weekend was an example of just that, being able to spend time with a person that I truly enjoy hanging with, and having the chance to relax, release, and just forget about the outside world for a little while. I didn't OD, I didn't have a blowup about something stupid that someone said or did. I didn't feel trapped in a little box and I didn't feel like I'd ruined my life after it was time for me to come back home. Some may not agree with what I do, but for me it's just the way I get through this part of my life.
I am at the point where I'd like to look into working again, but of course explaining my criminal history is still not something I look forward to. I don't really know anyone in my local area who is able to hire without having to go to another person for permission, so I'm at a loss when it comes to gaining some type of decent employment. Yeah, there's always construction or lawn work, but I did go to and graduate from college and I still feel that counts for something. I'm sure there's entry level clerical work I could do but those jobs don't seem to be as plentiful as they once were. And I'm sure the competition for those few positions that are out there is fierce. But just like any other challenge in life I just have to be steadfast and motivated and I'm sure something will cross my path that I'm interested in and a good fit for.
I've had a few unkind encounters with people over the past couple of months that have really helped put things into perspective for me. They've tried to turn on me after I've been nothing but kind, friendly, and respectful to them, and tried to shade me about things that I've shared with them about my life. Yeah, I got mad and had a few choice words for them, but it helped me realize that I'm better off than many people are, even at my "rock bottom". And for that I'm grateful. I'm not homeless. I am never hungry when I lay down to go to sleep. I have plenty of clothes to choose from every day. (Even though I wear the same shit day in and out most of the time). I have an education and am able to speak to people from all walks of life. I have friends and family who love me and will help me when I'm in need. And I have a life worth living and I value that more than anything right now.
I've also had the pleasure of meeting a new friend who lives in Indiana. He has flown me out to see him twice and I have to admit that it was really nice being in the company of someone who enjoys my company and has the means to show me a good time. It's not about how much money anyone has, but it's a different experience than what I'm used to. Normally guys will be interested in me, but won't want to drive across the bridge or pay the $2 toll. To have someone spend hundreds of dollars for plane tickets so I could come see them is not only flattering it changes the way you view yourself. I've never thought I was ugly or stupid, but to have someone do that for me really made me think that I might be even more worthy of a good life than I had initially given myself credit for. My friend is an older gentleman, and mixed. He has a great job and enjoys things that I find fun as well. We have a good time when we get together and we're laughing and getting out doing things that are always fun. I can't credit all of my happy feelings to his entry into my life but I would be lying if I didn't say this was part of it. I really hope we can be friends for a long time and I truly feel like the universe has allowed this man into my life to bring goodness and happiness back to me.
I hope everyone reading this is in good spirits and health, and I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I know I have been absent from here for a minute now but I'm going to make an effort to get back to writing on the regular. I know I have the time but I'm often busy doing other things that I find interesting at the moment. Writing is something I know I need to focus on and hone my skills, so leave me a comment and let me know that you're interested in what I have to say. Maybe that will motivate me to do it more often and find more compelling subject matter.
Until next time, take care of yourselves and love the people you can.
I still spend a lot of time in my room, downloading "movies" and being on social media. Some might say that's unhealthy, but I get a lot of interaction from my friends and family though social media and the other things I use to pass the time aren't harmful even if they may not be the best and wisest choice of how to spend my days. I keep myself entertained and I try not to involve myself in things that may be harmful to me or my mental state of being.
My drug use hasn't changed much as far as frequency, if anything it's gone down. I have revisited an old habit of mine but I feel like I'm a little more conscious of what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with, so getting high isn't anything I feel like is putting me in danger of becoming worse off or making my life unmanageable. I understand that drugs alter our minds and sometimes even play with our emotions, but they also provide a release from reality that many people, including myself, often need. This weekend was an example of just that, being able to spend time with a person that I truly enjoy hanging with, and having the chance to relax, release, and just forget about the outside world for a little while. I didn't OD, I didn't have a blowup about something stupid that someone said or did. I didn't feel trapped in a little box and I didn't feel like I'd ruined my life after it was time for me to come back home. Some may not agree with what I do, but for me it's just the way I get through this part of my life.
I am at the point where I'd like to look into working again, but of course explaining my criminal history is still not something I look forward to. I don't really know anyone in my local area who is able to hire without having to go to another person for permission, so I'm at a loss when it comes to gaining some type of decent employment. Yeah, there's always construction or lawn work, but I did go to and graduate from college and I still feel that counts for something. I'm sure there's entry level clerical work I could do but those jobs don't seem to be as plentiful as they once were. And I'm sure the competition for those few positions that are out there is fierce. But just like any other challenge in life I just have to be steadfast and motivated and I'm sure something will cross my path that I'm interested in and a good fit for.
I've had a few unkind encounters with people over the past couple of months that have really helped put things into perspective for me. They've tried to turn on me after I've been nothing but kind, friendly, and respectful to them, and tried to shade me about things that I've shared with them about my life. Yeah, I got mad and had a few choice words for them, but it helped me realize that I'm better off than many people are, even at my "rock bottom". And for that I'm grateful. I'm not homeless. I am never hungry when I lay down to go to sleep. I have plenty of clothes to choose from every day. (Even though I wear the same shit day in and out most of the time). I have an education and am able to speak to people from all walks of life. I have friends and family who love me and will help me when I'm in need. And I have a life worth living and I value that more than anything right now.
I've also had the pleasure of meeting a new friend who lives in Indiana. He has flown me out to see him twice and I have to admit that it was really nice being in the company of someone who enjoys my company and has the means to show me a good time. It's not about how much money anyone has, but it's a different experience than what I'm used to. Normally guys will be interested in me, but won't want to drive across the bridge or pay the $2 toll. To have someone spend hundreds of dollars for plane tickets so I could come see them is not only flattering it changes the way you view yourself. I've never thought I was ugly or stupid, but to have someone do that for me really made me think that I might be even more worthy of a good life than I had initially given myself credit for. My friend is an older gentleman, and mixed. He has a great job and enjoys things that I find fun as well. We have a good time when we get together and we're laughing and getting out doing things that are always fun. I can't credit all of my happy feelings to his entry into my life but I would be lying if I didn't say this was part of it. I really hope we can be friends for a long time and I truly feel like the universe has allowed this man into my life to bring goodness and happiness back to me.
I hope everyone reading this is in good spirits and health, and I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I know I have been absent from here for a minute now but I'm going to make an effort to get back to writing on the regular. I know I have the time but I'm often busy doing other things that I find interesting at the moment. Writing is something I know I need to focus on and hone my skills, so leave me a comment and let me know that you're interested in what I have to say. Maybe that will motivate me to do it more often and find more compelling subject matter.
Until next time, take care of yourselves and love the people you can.
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