Today's Blues

This disability situation really has me confused. So, this $616 a month is supposed to do what exactly? Don't get me wrong, it's better than the nothing I had to my name before this month's check came. But, I really sit and wonder do they think that $616 is enough for a grown man to really support himself? I mean, if I didn't have Aunt Bert or DeWitt, I'd be fucked. There's no way I could afford rent, a cell phone, food, transportation, and incidentals all on my own. I'd literally be living.... I probably wouldn't be able to live anywhere. Maybe rent a room in a crack house for a couple hundred a month and try to make the rest of the month on what's left. But, I guess I just need to be thankful that I'm not alone in my struggle and I have people in my life who love me enough to still care for me when it's evident that I have trouble caring for myself.

It's still irritating though. Like, what did I go to college for? Does that count for anything? I know for sure that being on disability cannot be a permanent thing for me. I just can't see myself being stuck with this for eternity. I've got to figure out some way to get better and to make a living for myself doing something. I simply don't see me waiting around for this check every month only to watch it not last until the next one arrives.

Yeah, I'll admit that a lot of my issues when it comes to being on disability is because I compare myself to my friends. People say I shouldn't do that, but how else am I supposed to know how I'm doing? My peers are a good mix of people, some are like me, and some are of their own breed. But I do feel that in their own ways, they all provide for themselves and their families, and I feel like I fall short on doing that for me and mine. It pisses me off that in school I was looked to as one of the smart kids, and here I am at 33, back home, getting a check, not working, and really not having anything to show for what I feel like I've put into my life.

True, I'm married and I have a man that loves me. Some people don't have that and would kill for it. I can't speak to how they might feel about their relationship status, but for me, even in being married, I still wish I had more to contribute to OUR life together. Maybe in time things will change for the better in terms of what I can bring to the table, but for right now I'm stuck with what I've got. Don't get it twisted though, I'm certainly not satisfied with where my life is, but the only way I can make it better is one day at a time. If I could snap my fingers and do magic, I would. But unfortunately that wasn't one of the gifts the Creator gave me. I'm stuck with having to figure this one out with just my mind and my two hands, and eventually I will. It's just one hell of a journey, with a lot of ups and downs.

I can already tell I'm doing better. I mean, I miss my husband but I'm dealing with that in the best way I can. I haven't had too many down days, but today when my thoughts started racing, instead of allowing them to bounce around in my head and fuck with my mood or emotions, I just decided to write it down, get it off my chest, and allow myself the room to still have peace. Of course I'm hoping people read what I write. I'm hoping it might be able to help someone who is going through something similar. And I hope that in writing about me, I can gain more practice and continue preparing myself for whatever type of book or publication is in my future, because one's in there I know it!

I know there are many other people who get some type of disability compensation, and for a myriad of reasons. I would imagine that there are people with much more serious and debilitating conditions and illnesses than myself, and I can't begin to think what type of mental stress that can put on one's life, and on the lives of their family. I'm just trying to make sense of my own situation, and try to understand how I can make the most out of what seems like a "not so great" moment in my life right now.

I feel like this process has already been a long one, and I am not sure how far into it I am. Am I on the back stretch, or is this trip really just getting started? I hate to think that I still have days where I'm going to have to drag my loved ones through the dumps with me, or to subject them to more hospital visits because I decided not to love myself that particular day. Those aren't things I want to happen. But I know what I'm up against, and unless I actively deal with myself and my issues each and every day, those things are bound to happen again. It's a scary thought, but one that's necessary to address if I ever plan on getting over the things that are holding me down.

So, for now, this $616  is going to have to be what I have to work with. I thought I didn't do much, but apparently I'm going to have to learn how to do even less if this is going to work out and be of any benefit to me. But this is just the first month, and like any other change in life, it's going to take a little while to learn what to expect and to perfect the process. Right now, money isn't my primary concern because all my needs will be met, with or without a disability check. I'm focused on feeling good more consistently, understanding myself and where my emotions come from and how they affect me, and learning how to cope with life when things don't go my way or seem fair or just. All the money in the world can't buy me the peace I know I can have when I gain control over my mind and my emotions, and I'm not trying to be rich without a quality life to enjoy.