I don't know why I don't just give these things up completely. Days like today make me wonder if they are even giving me a decent outlet to talk to other gay men, or if they are just a way for bitter faggots to spew hatred when they don't get the type of response they want from me. It's like I try to be nice to everyone, but people assume I'm supposed to be a certain way. And when I'm not who they think I should be, they get an attitude or they get dismissive.
The first idiot today really threw me for a loop. He hit me up and his profile was one that I wouldn't have given the time of day, but he went against his own words and sent me a pic early in the conversation, saying he wanted me to know who I was talking to. So I figured he was at least half way decent if he could understand that I didn't want to talk to an anonymous profile. So we chatted briefly and he soon asked me for my number. I thought he wanted to ask me something personal but it turns out he just wanted the number in general, which was kinda weird to me but I didn't care at that point. I ended up hitting him up first and we texted for a little bit. He started to complain about guys "having a specific type" and I thought it was kinda hypocritical because he hit me up for my looks just like he's claiming other guys do, resulting in them not wanting to hit him up. I tried to explain to him that people have preferences and he shouldn't dislike someone because they have a preference but I don't think he got what I was saying. Or if he got it, he must not have liked it. Anyway, at some point in the conversation he basically dismisses me and I asked him why would he ask me for my number if all he was gonna do is get upset and dismiss me like that. He tried to get smart and say I was this and that and not what he thought I was. It just ended up being messy with me calling him ugly and weird and him continually calling me an ass. I didn't do well because I let this fool get under my skin but I just hate how niggas act when they make an assumption and it ends up being wrong. I didn't disrespect this dude. I was actually nice to him even though he wasn't attractive or even in my local area. I just thought he wanted to chat, which I was willing to do, but I guess he expected me to be more into him than I was showing. That's not my fault thought, I am not obligated to like anyone just because I talk to them.
This other asshole tho, he really got on my nerves tonight. Dude had hit me up maybe about a week ago talking about getting drinks. He's hit me up before but we've never really said more than a couple of words to one another in conversation on the app. Tonight, he comes out of nowhere asking "U like raw dick". I can't remember what I said but I laid into him, telling him how fucked up he was and how he needs to take that kind of shit somewhere else. He comes back telling me about how I'm "killing the kids" in Richmond and here, assuming I'm giving people HIV and not telling people my status. He also goes into how I live at home and don't have a car, so I'm wondering how he even knows all this information. What made me most upset is that this dude was just at me, trying to get my attention, and as soon as I didn't give him the answer he wanted he turned on me as if I'd done something wrong to him. And he was 43...not 18. I would never expect this kinda bullshit from a grown ass man but I guess I was proven wrong today.
I wrote before about these apps and today would have been an argument for deleting them from my phone. But I'm sure I won't, even after these two idiots made me upset today. The percentage of assholes I come across is very low, compared to the many guys who hit me up and are respectful and decent with their conversation. I want to just go back to being assholes to everyone, to put up walls and defend my emotional space. But that wouldn't be fair to the guys who are genuine and just seeking someone to chat with. But I gotta think about me first, not them. If I have to upset a few people in order to make sure my space is clear, then that's what I'm going to do. I want to meet people, but not just anyone. I want to chat, but I don't want toxic conversation through my phone. I want companionship, but I refuse to settle for whatever comes my way because someone else thinks I only deserve what they pick for me.
I know all gay men are not sad bitter queens, but the few who are really make it difficult for the rest of us to meet decent people. Our experiences with them make us incapable of trusting the strangers who come to us showing interest, because we think they have ill motives and are only out for something they can gain. For me, I hate being seen as a sex object. I understand that I am attractive to some people and they relate their attraction to sex. But I'm not comfortable with that anymore. I can't make a living off sexy and it has no value to me anymore. I want someone to like me because of who I am, flaws and all, and not just throw all I shared with them in my face the first time we disagree on something.
Today just taught me how to look out for myself first. And it taught me that sometimes I just need to block people and not worry about getting the last word in the conversation. I know that being right and proving it feels good, but it's not worth the stress that it causes going back and forth with someone who isn't even man enough to show their true face online. I'm a different breed and it's important I recognize that, and hold myself as high as I care to be seen. I don't have to put someone else down in order to hold myself up. I hate that everyone can't be that way, but the reality is that we don't live in a perfect world with perfect people, so I have to guard my soul and spirit against those people who would seek to bring negative energy into my space.
Tomorrow will be a better day and I won't allow anyone negative into my space.
The first idiot today really threw me for a loop. He hit me up and his profile was one that I wouldn't have given the time of day, but he went against his own words and sent me a pic early in the conversation, saying he wanted me to know who I was talking to. So I figured he was at least half way decent if he could understand that I didn't want to talk to an anonymous profile. So we chatted briefly and he soon asked me for my number. I thought he wanted to ask me something personal but it turns out he just wanted the number in general, which was kinda weird to me but I didn't care at that point. I ended up hitting him up first and we texted for a little bit. He started to complain about guys "having a specific type" and I thought it was kinda hypocritical because he hit me up for my looks just like he's claiming other guys do, resulting in them not wanting to hit him up. I tried to explain to him that people have preferences and he shouldn't dislike someone because they have a preference but I don't think he got what I was saying. Or if he got it, he must not have liked it. Anyway, at some point in the conversation he basically dismisses me and I asked him why would he ask me for my number if all he was gonna do is get upset and dismiss me like that. He tried to get smart and say I was this and that and not what he thought I was. It just ended up being messy with me calling him ugly and weird and him continually calling me an ass. I didn't do well because I let this fool get under my skin but I just hate how niggas act when they make an assumption and it ends up being wrong. I didn't disrespect this dude. I was actually nice to him even though he wasn't attractive or even in my local area. I just thought he wanted to chat, which I was willing to do, but I guess he expected me to be more into him than I was showing. That's not my fault thought, I am not obligated to like anyone just because I talk to them.
This other asshole tho, he really got on my nerves tonight. Dude had hit me up maybe about a week ago talking about getting drinks. He's hit me up before but we've never really said more than a couple of words to one another in conversation on the app. Tonight, he comes out of nowhere asking "U like raw dick". I can't remember what I said but I laid into him, telling him how fucked up he was and how he needs to take that kind of shit somewhere else. He comes back telling me about how I'm "killing the kids" in Richmond and here, assuming I'm giving people HIV and not telling people my status. He also goes into how I live at home and don't have a car, so I'm wondering how he even knows all this information. What made me most upset is that this dude was just at me, trying to get my attention, and as soon as I didn't give him the answer he wanted he turned on me as if I'd done something wrong to him. And he was 43...not 18. I would never expect this kinda bullshit from a grown ass man but I guess I was proven wrong today.
I wrote before about these apps and today would have been an argument for deleting them from my phone. But I'm sure I won't, even after these two idiots made me upset today. The percentage of assholes I come across is very low, compared to the many guys who hit me up and are respectful and decent with their conversation. I want to just go back to being assholes to everyone, to put up walls and defend my emotional space. But that wouldn't be fair to the guys who are genuine and just seeking someone to chat with. But I gotta think about me first, not them. If I have to upset a few people in order to make sure my space is clear, then that's what I'm going to do. I want to meet people, but not just anyone. I want to chat, but I don't want toxic conversation through my phone. I want companionship, but I refuse to settle for whatever comes my way because someone else thinks I only deserve what they pick for me.
I know all gay men are not sad bitter queens, but the few who are really make it difficult for the rest of us to meet decent people. Our experiences with them make us incapable of trusting the strangers who come to us showing interest, because we think they have ill motives and are only out for something they can gain. For me, I hate being seen as a sex object. I understand that I am attractive to some people and they relate their attraction to sex. But I'm not comfortable with that anymore. I can't make a living off sexy and it has no value to me anymore. I want someone to like me because of who I am, flaws and all, and not just throw all I shared with them in my face the first time we disagree on something.
Today just taught me how to look out for myself first. And it taught me that sometimes I just need to block people and not worry about getting the last word in the conversation. I know that being right and proving it feels good, but it's not worth the stress that it causes going back and forth with someone who isn't even man enough to show their true face online. I'm a different breed and it's important I recognize that, and hold myself as high as I care to be seen. I don't have to put someone else down in order to hold myself up. I hate that everyone can't be that way, but the reality is that we don't live in a perfect world with perfect people, so I have to guard my soul and spirit against those people who would seek to bring negative energy into my space.
Tomorrow will be a better day and I won't allow anyone negative into my space.
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