Skip to main content

Just tired of living...

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.

I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm not. It's like they want people to beg and plead for something that more than likely doesn't even pay a living wage. It's stupid. It's retarded. And I really just don't wanna deal with it any longer.

I'm fucking lonely. I have nobody to talk to in an intimate fashion. All my friends are married with children and it's like they've moved on in life while I'm still stuck on stupid, in a place I don't wanna be and with nothing to show for the work that I did actually put in when I thought that life would be good to me.

Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve being fucked over time and time again? Am I really that bad of a person? Am I destined to just be depressed and feel bad every day of my life? Why don't people understand why I want to kill myself? What part of daily pain and suffering don't they understand. They say that I would hurt others if I took my own life, but why don't those people who would be hurt by my death see that I'm hurting just being here.

I know drugs aren't the answer but they are the only thing that give me some sort of escape from how I feel having to be stuck in this world where I'm not part of anything special or unique. Everyone has something they enjoy, mine is getting high. I just don't care about other things anymore because they don't give me any kind of satisfaction or any type of good feeling.

Sometimes I think back to my college days and I wonder what happened to all the hope and the possibility that I thought was out in the world for me. I ask myself when did the world change to become this place that threw people away as soon as they become imperfect? When did an education become less valued than a criminal record? Why even bother doing good when one bad thing will wipe out all the good you've done in your entire life?

I don't have to strength or the will power to go on. I have done everything I know to do. I have tried everything I know to have tried. I did what I was told by people I trusted and things simply haven't worked out the way they should have, and the only reason I can think of for this is because I fucked up somehow and have just become a bad person, unworthy of a job or love or money or fun or anything associated with a good and happy life. I just wanna die.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Living At Home...

Why are gay men so mean when it comes to how they feel about people living at home with their parents? I mean, I shouldn't care what folk say but sometimes it does bother me. These people hit me up for whatever reason but soon turn sour when they realize I can't host or don't have my own car. I understand that people who have their own work hard for it but that doesn't give you the right to put other people down because they are not where you are exactly at this point in life. In my situation, it upsets me that people just assume I'm a bum, and they don't care to even know what things happened in my life that led me to have to be at home right now. They don't care. It's just fucked up how people are so materialistic and shallow. Of course I would rather have my own place and my own car but that's just not in the cards for me at this point. I've had those things before and I know the work involved in having them. But not having them doesn't ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Weekend Renewal

Shalom House, Montpelier, VA This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a "Transformation Retreat." It was a weekend getaway for persons infected with HIV, and part of a series of other retreats and programs by The Renewal Projects, an organization in Richmond, VA. The experience was amazing, unforgettable, life-changing, and any other word you could think of to describe a simply beautiful weekend. We didn't have a large group, which at first seemed to be a bit of a bummer. But, it turned out to be the thing that made the experience that much better for myself, and I hope for the rest of the people who attended. My room during the retreat There were no televisions or radios. Our rooms were simple. The only lights outside were those lining the sidewalk from the two cabins we stayed in down to the "Shalom House" where we had our group meetings and activities, as well as our meals. The food was great, too! We practiced meditation a...
2 comments
Read more

A little bit of happy.

Anyone who knows me or follows my blog knows that I have dealt with depression and mood swings that are not always be easiest things to cope with throughout my adult life. Today, I'm at a place where I can genuinely and sincerely say that I have been feeling happy a lot recently. Not much has changed in my situation. I'm still living at home. I'm still unemployed and on disability. I'm still single and not in any type of serious intimate relationship (at least not anything exclusive). But for some reason, I've been feeling happy. I don't know what has changed in my mental state, or if I'm just allowing myself to let go of all the negative and be content with what I have right now, but whatever it is that has me feeling a little more upbeat I'm definitely here for it. I still spend a lot of time in my room, downloading "movies" and being on social media. Some might say that's unhealthy, but I get a lot of interaction from my friends and fa...
Post a Comment
Read more