I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being expected to stay positive when I literally have nothing. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being broke, or having just enough money not to do anything. I'm tired of having no type of job to identify myself with. I'm tired of owing people money that I'll never be able to pay back. I feel like I wasted my time doing well in school and going to and graduating from college. Nobody sees me as a well-spoken and intelligent college graduate, I'm just a worthless convicted felon who has to continue pay for the mistakes that I've made even though I've served my time and paid my debt to society.
I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm not. It's like they want people to beg and plead for something that more than likely doesn't even pay a living wage. It's stupid. It's retarded. And I really just don't wanna deal with it any longer.
I'm fucking lonely. I have nobody to talk to in an intimate fashion. All my friends are married with children and it's like they've moved on in life while I'm still stuck on stupid, in a place I don't wanna be and with nothing to show for the work that I did actually put in when I thought that life would be good to me.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve being fucked over time and time again? Am I really that bad of a person? Am I destined to just be depressed and feel bad every day of my life? Why don't people understand why I want to kill myself? What part of daily pain and suffering don't they understand. They say that I would hurt others if I took my own life, but why don't those people who would be hurt by my death see that I'm hurting just being here.
I know drugs aren't the answer but they are the only thing that give me some sort of escape from how I feel having to be stuck in this world where I'm not part of anything special or unique. Everyone has something they enjoy, mine is getting high. I just don't care about other things anymore because they don't give me any kind of satisfaction or any type of good feeling.
Sometimes I think back to my college days and I wonder what happened to all the hope and the possibility that I thought was out in the world for me. I ask myself when did the world change to become this place that threw people away as soon as they become imperfect? When did an education become less valued than a criminal record? Why even bother doing good when one bad thing will wipe out all the good you've done in your entire life?
I don't have to strength or the will power to go on. I have done everything I know to do. I have tried everything I know to have tried. I did what I was told by people I trusted and things simply haven't worked out the way they should have, and the only reason I can think of for this is because I fucked up somehow and have just become a bad person, unworthy of a job or love or money or fun or anything associated with a good and happy life. I just wanna die.
I've been looking for work and I just feel like giving up. The process just seems to backwards and stupid to me. If I take the time to fill out an application or to send in a cover letter and resume, why do I have to contact you yet again to follow up? Either I'm good enough for an interview or I'm not. It's like they want people to beg and plead for something that more than likely doesn't even pay a living wage. It's stupid. It's retarded. And I really just don't wanna deal with it any longer.
I'm fucking lonely. I have nobody to talk to in an intimate fashion. All my friends are married with children and it's like they've moved on in life while I'm still stuck on stupid, in a place I don't wanna be and with nothing to show for the work that I did actually put in when I thought that life would be good to me.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve being fucked over time and time again? Am I really that bad of a person? Am I destined to just be depressed and feel bad every day of my life? Why don't people understand why I want to kill myself? What part of daily pain and suffering don't they understand. They say that I would hurt others if I took my own life, but why don't those people who would be hurt by my death see that I'm hurting just being here.
I know drugs aren't the answer but they are the only thing that give me some sort of escape from how I feel having to be stuck in this world where I'm not part of anything special or unique. Everyone has something they enjoy, mine is getting high. I just don't care about other things anymore because they don't give me any kind of satisfaction or any type of good feeling.
Sometimes I think back to my college days and I wonder what happened to all the hope and the possibility that I thought was out in the world for me. I ask myself when did the world change to become this place that threw people away as soon as they become imperfect? When did an education become less valued than a criminal record? Why even bother doing good when one bad thing will wipe out all the good you've done in your entire life?
I don't have to strength or the will power to go on. I have done everything I know to do. I have tried everything I know to have tried. I did what I was told by people I trusted and things simply haven't worked out the way they should have, and the only reason I can think of for this is because I fucked up somehow and have just become a bad person, unworthy of a job or love or money or fun or anything associated with a good and happy life. I just wanna die.
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