Days like this...

Days like today really make me wonder if I'm bipolar or not. I mean, nothing has changed between yesterday and today, but I feel completely down in the dumps right now.  I have food, shelter, and more than enough clothes, but for some reason I'm simply feeling like I'm not worthy of any of it.  I have tried to reach out and talk to a few people, but I feel like everyone I want to talk to is too busy to to respond to me, and that makes me feel like shit.  On the occasion that I do get to talk to someone, I feel like they're not really listening and it makes me upset when I feel like they are simply telling me the same parables and fairy tales that someone told them. It upsets me when people say everything is going to work out alright when they dont even know what I'm going through or what I'm dealing with.  That alone makes me feel like giving up on it all.  The same people who work each and every day and are broke will sit with a straight face and tell me things will get better? How exactly? Because last time I checked I was a convicted felon (twice over) with almost $60,000 in college loans and no way of even beginning to think about paying it back.  I want to work, but I just feel like the only thing I'd be ALLOWED to do is fast food or minimum wage work. I understand that as a CRIMINAL I'm not entitled to decent or professional work, but I find it hard to see myself as a good person when nobody else on the planet sees me that way.  If the only work I'm suited to do in the eyes of society is digging ditches, then why and how could I see myself as anything other than that?  I used to believe that I could do anything, but years of mistakes and being beat down because of them have made me feel differently about the world in which I live and my place within it.  I used to have a lot of friends, now I feel alone.  I used to be popular and people wanted to be around me, now I feel like I'm just an afterthought or the guy who only exists in people's memories of high school or college. Who am I now?  I can't identify with a profession because I have none.  I can't identify with my education because clearly being a felon deletes any academic accomplishment I've made in my life.  It hurts. It makes me feel like giving up.  And I haven't even touched on the mental and physical sicknesses that I deal with. Just because I don't take the medicine or go to the appointments doesn't mean that I am not faced with that reality every day. I just choose not to add any extras on top of what I can't avoid.  I want to be better, I really do. I just feel like there's nothing I or anyone else can do to dig me out of the hole I've created for myself. People tell me I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but what' the other option?  I can't blame anyone else, so blaming myself is all I can do.  I have to.

As Christmas approaches, I'm struggling with the thought of whether or not I should even go home?  I mean, I'm sure my Aunt would be happy to see me but I would once again feel like a failure. Sitting around with my little brother and his wife, and watching them shop and enjoy life, bring our mother gifts, while I'm just sitting there with nothing. No stories to tell about what I've been up to, and not even being able to talk about getting married to my mother all because I'm gay and that's not something she believes in.  Hmph... Ain't that a bitch!

All I really want out of life is to be happy. But unfortunately, I dont even know what that means anymore, or what that would entail. I used to think being a productive citizen, educated and employed would make me happy. But now that none of that happened in the way I planned, I'm lost and don't know which way to turn.  I'm always angry and upset, depressed and sometimes even suicidal. I haven't attempted it seriously, but thoughts run through my mind quite often.  People tell me I shoulnd't think that way, but I just consider that selfish of them to want me to live so they can have entertainment...they don't even think about how I feel having to wake up in a world that don't like me or care about me each and every day without any resources to change my station in life.

I really don't even want to write, but I was at the point today where I had to get things out and since there was nobody to talk to that wasn't distracted by something else, I figured writing would be my best bet.  Even though I know nobody reads this, I guess its' still good for me to get things out of my mind and heart and be able to put them in a place where I can come back and read them to get a better perspective of how I'm feeling and all the things I've been through.