The Journal of an Angry Black Man

So, a few weeks ago I was told that I have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, it's taken a while for me to fully comprehend what that means for me, and honestly I'm still trying to get a good grasp of what it will mean for my life. After being diagnosed with Bipolar, I thought that was it. I thought that I would just deal with that and move on with life, continue counseling, get a job someplace, and just get back to being as normal as possible. But now, I'm not so sure being normal is going to be an option for me at all. BPD is a very tricky disorder to diagnose, and even harder to handle for the person who is affected by it. It has similar mood swings to bipolar, but instead of taking two weeks to get out of one mood to another, often times BPD causes those same mood swings within one day, or even within the span of a couple of hours. On top of the moods, it causes a crisis of identity for the person who suffers from it, as well as difficulty in main...

I've thought a lot about what I should be using this platform for, or what cause I should be championing. Often times I have told myself that I should just write about me, my story, in the hopes that it might help someone like me. But I've shot that down numerous times because of my own ego, or insecurities, or whatever the moments' vice might happen to be. Now though, I think I'm ready to bare it all, even more than I'm typically known for doing. Bipolar disorder has changed my life. Even though I've probably suffered from it long before my diagnosis, the fact of knowing it has me contemplating my life and trying to see things in a different way. Dealing with mood swings that last weeks at a time and balancing emotions and rational thinking at any given moment can be challenging. But this is my life. This is what I have to work with and nobody but me has the obligation to make my life worth living but myself. Taking things day to day might seem a simple tas...

I'm learning more and more everyday that my mental health story isn't just about recognizing when I am becoming depressed, but when I'm better than good, or manic. This picture is representative of me in mystic state. I think most people just attribute my quick and sarcastic comments to my personality, but it's a lot deeper than that.  In this pic I'm confident, something that I'm not typically because doubt enters in when I become depressed. In this pic I'm employed and in my uniform of all black, and typically I'm unemployed, bored and completely avoidant of any conforming type of clothing. This picture reminds me of just how quickly my moods change and how that can effect change in my life, both good and bad. I like this picture, mostly because I think I look pretty handsome in it. But it also gives me something to remember in terms of dealing with my mental health. I have to separate the things that come as part of the disease from the good things th...

This shit is getting to be too much. I go to counseing. I take my medication. Yet, I still feel like there's no hope for me and like I'm powerless over my life to change it for any better. People love telling me that things will get better, but I can't help but hear them as just folk who are repeating to me what some fool told to them previously. I doubt they truly believe it themselves, so it's extra hard for me to just believe in it because they said so. There's no evidence to support their point, and plenty of evidence to support my assertion that I'm never going to amount to anything. Maybe those who speak badly about me are right. I'm nothing more than a felon, with a bad attitude, and some other issues that will never be fixed or overcome. Maybe they are right to pay no attention to the few things I've done well in life, and instead focus more on the things I've done badly or not well at all. Maybe I'm just going to die the same sorry bas...

There's really no help when you truly need it. And you're never truly broke until you start working.