The Journal of an Angry Black Man

I'm sitting here in my bed, like I do every day, just thinking. Thinking about my life and how things have turned out. I beat myself up about things that I've done or opportunities that I've let slip though my fingers. I wish I had done things differently but I can't turn back time to go back and fix them. So where does that leave me? What can I do today to move forward? I fear that I'm falling into the same cracks that my parents did. I should have known better. I saw first hand what happened to them and I should have been smart enough not to go down the same path. But here I am, battling the same demons and trying day in and day out to keep my head above water. Sometimes I hate myself for not listening to the lessons I had as a kid. I regret starting bad habits and allowing them to affect my life in the way that they have. I wake up every day unmotivated and stuck. I see my friends going about their lives, working, loving their children, spending time with their...

Early this morning I got a call from a random Richmond number. It woke me out of my sleep. I always get these vacation rental calls from 804 numbers so at first I didn't pay it any mind and just let it go to voicemail. But when they left a message and called back I thought I should answer it because there could be something wrong, especially at that time of the morning. When I answered there was a woman on the phone asking me if I owned a black and brown dog... Immediately my heart sank and I knew something had happened to Seti. She went on to tell me that she was out and witnessed him get hit by a car, and that he was scared and running back into the street and wanted to inform me that she'd found him. I asked her if he was okay because the only thing on my mind was that my dog was somehow injured or hurt, and that just messed me up. She said he was okay, that he was bleeding a little but otherwise was fine. I had to think quick because I couldn't do anything for him from ...

What kind of world do we live in? What kind of madness are we willing to continue accepting as a nation? It's crazy to watch these school shootings happen again and again and our leaders just sit by and do nothing to deal with the problem. Some people think it's a gun control issue. Others feel it's something that we need to address with more mental health focus. Either way, we really need to come together and have meaningful discussions about the horrible events that continue happening to our children while at school. When I was young, I never had to worry about being shot at school. School was always a safe place, where I felt encouraged and where I could enjoy spending time with  my friends and learning things that would help me later in life. I never had to worry about someone coming in with a weapon and harming me, my friends, or my teachers. What has changed? What has made people feel like schools are an easy target for mayhem and evil? It's really sad to think ...

Tuesday night I had a seizure. It was crazy! It scared the hell out of me. I've never had one before and it was just something that seemingly came out of nowhere. I was with a friend when it happened and I'm so thankful for his quick response in coming to my aid. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday but I kinda regret not going to the hospital right after it happened. I don't wanna make a big deal about it but I guess I have to, because it is something serious. I just wonder what doctors can do for me now that it's over. I assume they have tests they can do but I am also not really happy about having to explain my recent activities or drug us. I just don't wanna be judged. But in order for them to help me I know that I have to be completely honest with them about the types of things I might be doing that could be putting me in danger of having another one. I've witnessed other people have seizures before and it's scary just being around someone who...

My bro suggested this writing prompt to me last night, so let me give it a try. I'm proud of the fact that I graduated from college. It was a struggle and I really didn't have anyone to go before me to set the stage, but though it all I stuck to it and accomplished my goal. My degree proudly hangs in my aunt's house and I have a copy in my room to remind me of what I've done. It was one of my proudest moments even though I didn't get to attend my own graduation (another story). I'm proud of how I'm dealing with my mental issues. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder years ago and it's been a struggle to cope with the ways my emotions and my mood changes. For the past year or two I've done well though. It's not an easy fight but I'm committed to beating this thing and not allowing it to ruin my life or my relationships. I'm proud of myself for starting a fledgling business. It's only a resume writing business but it's somethi...

I don't know why I don't just give these things up completely. Days like today make me wonder if they are even giving me a decent outlet to talk to other gay men, or if they are just a way for bitter faggots to spew hatred when they don't get the type of response they want from me. It's like I try to be nice to everyone, but people assume I'm supposed to be a certain way. And when I'm not who they think I should be, they get an attitude or they get dismissive. The first idiot today really threw me for a loop. He hit me up and his profile was one that I wouldn't have given the time of day, but he went against his own words and sent me a pic early in the conversation, saying he wanted me to know who I was talking to. So I figured he was at least half way decent if he could understand that I didn't want to talk to an anonymous profile. So we chatted briefly and he soon asked me for my number. I thought he wanted to ask me something personal but it turns o...