The Journal of an Angry Black Man

Since I've lived in Richmond I've been seeing therapists regularly to help sort out some of my problems. Some have been licensed professional counselor a and others have simply been people who were willing to lend an open ear.  Today I met with my case manager, Rodney. He's a great guy who allows me to be myself and returns the favor by being completely genuine with me as well. He's moving on to another position so today we really had a heart to heart. Rodney has continuously advised me that I need to forgive myself and see myself as worthy and loved. We go back and forth about it in almost every meeting we have, and it often works to make me more upset. But I know he says it out of general concern and care.  We also talked about my latest court appearance and how I felt fucked over once again. I'd already been considering just withdrawing my appeal and simply doing the five days over weekend time, and after speaking with Rodney and hearing him suggest the same it l...

Not because of any personal dislike for it, but because people tend to put it on a pedestal above marijuana as if it's a safer or more "fancy" substance.  Drinking makes people act like fools and for some reason, the people who shouldn't drink are always the ones trying to drink the most.  I never understood it and I probably won't gain any better understanding of it either. I'm used to weed. Weed is what helps me feel better.  Alcohol has never really done anything for me other than make me go to sleep.  It's pointless to me to waste money on bottles of this, that or the other, only to act so foolish that you can't remember what you did or said the night before.  That's crazy! When weed becomes legal (which it will) what will people's excuses be then?  How will they spin alcohol as a better alternative than something that's proven to be safer, healthier, and less problematic than alcohol has been in all of recorded human history? ...

Yeah, they want me to do 5 more days over this bitch!  I'm pissed, but I'm also still confused about whether or not to even try to fight this. The lawyer I had was a piece of shit, not prepared, not even acting as if he wanted to try to help me in the case at all.  I appealed the decision, and he doesn't even agree with that. It all makes no real sense to me in the first place because in my mind I already served time for what I said to that bitch, but she feels very strongly about it obviously and I'm sure that if it were up to her I'd be locked away forever all over a fucking text and phone call. I know I should forgive and move on, but this shit bothers me deeply.  To know that I live in a world where a woman can cut a man down with words all day long but never have to answer to it legally, makes me sick to my stomach. And to know that a woman can act like a bitch but can't be called out on her behavior makes me even sicker.  This world is fucked up with dou...

I remember attending the Million Man March with my best friend Derek.  It was an experience that I will never forget and I often revert back to this photo to remind me of how many other brothers there are in my country who quite possibly feel the same way I do each and every day. It's for them that I continue to fight for what I know is right, and it's for them that I speak out against what's wrong.

Days like today, I sit and think about my life and the situation I find myself in. Often I wonder if it's something that I will ever be able to recover from.  I get told that I can't beat myself up for things...and I truly understand that.  But, knowing that even if I wanted to blame someone else that it wouldn't been seen as mature or accepted in any sense, I find that there's nobody to blame other than me. And in accepting that blame, I also accept the shame, guilt and feelings of inferiority that go along with that. People also tell me that nobody is perfect. I hear them and understand what they're saying. But, I also feel that society deems certain people perfect, and others imperfect, or broken, or unfit to do or be certain things.  As wrong as I know that is down in my heart and soul, as a second or third class citizen of this nation, I find myself helpless and hopeless to do anything to change my own station in life. Don't think that I lack faith,...